not waving, just drowning

Introduction

You would think that after living by a river for 3 years of my life that I would be used to the crashing of the waves against the mossy yet shiny rocky bank, but I'm not. The noise of the water still keeps me up through the night, it still sends shivers down my spine during a storm. Maybe it is something I will never get used to, maybe I just am not meant to live beside a river. It could be a sign, telling me to pack my bags a head for University and to not look behind me once. But in the summer months - when the rays of light beam through the tree branches - the river looks undeniably beautiful.

The sun seems to dance along the gentle water with elegance and the calm smooth water bares no danger. It is peaceful and bliss, almost euphoric. And it is during the summer when families and teenagers crowd the riverbanks with picnics and laughter and music.

After living here for so long you start to notice things, such as the same families which have brought what seems like the same picnic every summer without fail. And the same teenagers who think that by hiding behind a couple of trees no one can tell that they are smoking. It interests me how people come and go with smiles on their faces all through the summer but that there will be not a single soul during autumn and winter.

Maybe everyone knows about the dangers of the river. Maybe everyone know about the rough waves which destroy lives and tear families apart. Maybe everyone knows what the river can take away from a person when the sun isn't shining. Or maybe people just prefer indoor swimming pools and trips to the cinema once it gets cold outside.

I have lived by the river for the last 11 years of my life and I haven't been down to the banks in almost 6 years. Not after what it took from me. Not after all the pain and suffering which it caused my family and friends. I blame the river for pain in family because it is much easier than blaming myself. It helped to remove the guilt and start a healing process. A healing process which I still find myself to be dealing with 5 years later.

Pain seems to have followed me and been by my side for the past 5 years and no matter what I can't seem to shake it off. Maybe new scenery is needed, I possibly could be in need of therapy but i definitely need to stop hiding from my past.