Just Fall

Chapter Three

Diane tossed the phone and knocked a picture off the nightstand. She moved over to pick it up and stared at the photo. She unconsciously smiled at the image of she and Christian in high school. He stood a whole foot and a half taller than her already and held bunny ears behind her annoyed smile adorned with braces. Christian's lanky body wore his basketball uniform and lucky wristband that smelled awful. She never forgot the fight they had after she stole it and washed it. He couldn't be mad at her for more than thirty minutes at a time. She touched the glass where Christian's smiling face haunted her. He was the patient one in the relationship. Always was. No matter what mistake she made, he loved her.

She held the photo to her chest and wept like she never wept before. "Please forgive me, Christian. I'm so sorry. I...I just can't without you. I can't."

Crying herself to sleep was more commonplace than anything else in her life. Tonight, would be no different.

The last two nights were nothing but bad dreams, when both asleep and awake for Diane. She couldn't wait to move out of the house. Despite all their belonging packed up, it still held too many memories of her life with Christian. Every laugh they shared there, the times they argued, the times they made love and even the times they shared tears--a reminder waited cruel behind every corner like a mugger ready to pounce.

She insisted on moving to an apartment or something almost immediately after her husband's funeral. No one dared to convince her otherwise.

But moving was proving to be a real bitch and made her nerves raw with anxiety. On the other side, sleeping at night ended with a terrible dream about running, but then she's falling into the pit, floundering towards the light, until her body forces her awake.

"Just Fall," someone in her dream whispered to her. It was the only thing that lingered on.

The dream was so dark, she began to feel it was her guilt coming to punish her. She had made her appointment earlier this week and today was the day she went in. Quietly, she paced by the living room window, while she awaited Gina to pick her up. She didn't want to go there alone. And even if she did, she knew that Gina wouldn't let her anyway.

And what felt like forever she finally saw the black Audi pull into the driveway and honk twice, announcing her arrival. Diane slipped on her hoodie and took a deep breath. "Okay," she whispered. She grabbed her bag and her keys and went out to the car.

She got in the passenger side with barely a nod. "Hi," she said quietly.

"Hey there doll," Gina said as she re-adjusted her head wrap and took off her shades. "Are you ready?" She didn't know how appropriate that question was, but it was all that she could muster.

Diane couldn't look her in the face; instead she just quickly nodded. "Yeah, let's go."

***

They arrived to the clinic, and Diane set in the car for a moment. She didn't know what to say. She didn't really know what to do even though this was her decision to make. She still felt lost. When did her life get so complicated? She really missed Christian. She kept thinking about if this had happened when he was still alive, what would he want and what would he tell her. She was almost positive that he would want whatever she wanted, but that was the problem; she didn't know what she wanted. She wanted so many things. Impossible things. If she chose her career, she was pragmatic, but selfish. If she kept the baby she was brave, but foolish. She couldn't win. Her body wanted to cry but she had enough tears. Gina was right; it was time for her to stop crying and start living. But she didn't even know the first step to make towards that. She used to feel so perfect, and now, she felt so terribly flawed. I just don't know how to do this, she said in her head as if to bargain with the other side of her.