The Boy With The Red Umbrella : The Reaction

The Reaction

"Mitch?" I was trying to keep the tears from pouring over my cheeks. I was read the column about Scott. I looked back at Derek.

"I didn't know." I broke down and he came to hold me in his arms.

"Baby it's okay."

"I should have known. I should have known. I'm such a horrible friend." I gripped Derek's shirt tightly while my tears drenched the cloth. "He was showing all the signs and I ignored. He said he was doing better. I just thought he wasn't going to be town for the wedding." He began rocking me back and forth to try to calm me down.

"It's not your fault." I shoved Derek away from me and stood up.

"You don't understand! It's my fault Scott's dead! I should have been there for him!" I ran my fingers through my hair and began pacing. "I should have pushed back the wedding. He was my friend Derek!"

"Mitch-"

"No!" I backed away from Derek's warm embrace. I bumped into the table and a glass shattered on the ground. I stared at the broken shards of glass. I wonder if that's what I caused Scott's life to turn into. I destroyed him. He was troubled. I should have been there to help him. But I was blinded by my own happiness. "I'm sorry. I'll clean it up."

"No. I'll get it. Go lay down." My bottom lip quivered. Derek caressed my cheek. "It's okay."

"I wouldn't be surprised if you wanted to divorce me." He laughed.

"Why would I do that?"

"Because I'm unstable." He kissed my forehead gently.

"You're the love of my life Mitch and you lost your best friend. I'm not going to leave you. I'm going to comfort you. I'm going to be there when you need me." He ran his fingers through my hair. "You're my beautiful husband that needs to lay down." I pulled him into a hug.

"I love you."

"I love you too." I was laying in the bedroom. I let my mind drift. I wonder if I had pretended to be with Scott, if he would still be alone. I did love him. But it's not the way I love Derek.

Scott scared me. He was a good friend but I slowly realized his descent into madness. His unhealthily obsession with me. I don't know why I meant so much to him. I talked him off the ledge sure. I'm just confused about how that turned into a love obsession. Like when he took advantage of me. I can still feel his hands on my body. I hated it. I didn't feel that way about him. He was my friend.

My friend. I don't know how many times that I've used that to explain him. I had to keep saying it. It rationalized him having sex with me and trying to gain my affection. I honestly didn't know anything about Scott. He was a pathological liar. He never told the truth. There were so many things that were mentally wrong with him. I don't think me even being in his life could be healthy. I shouldn't have gone to that coffee shop. He would have lived longer. He was doing good. Then he saw me and it was straight back to killing himself. It was my fault.

I just wish I knew to stop him. Scott didn't deserve to die. He didn't deserve to go out alone. He should have had a friend to stop him. To comfort him.

"He's blaming himself Kirstie. I don't know what to do." I could hear Derek on the phone in the other room. "It's been this way ever since we got back and he found that newspaper. I can't blame him. I would do the same thing if a friend died." He was listening for Kirstie's response. "I'm worried about him. I think he needs to visit Scott's grave." I walked into the living room, wrapping my arms around Derek's neck.

"Derek...." I whispered to my husband.

"I have to go. Bye Kirstie." Derek rubbed my arms. I came around to sit on his lap.

"I don't want to go visit Scott. I can't." I put my head on his shoulder.

"Kirstie hasn't either. She doesn't want to see only a tombstone to remember him." I rubbed my hands on his chest.

"I need to forget about it. I need to start fresh with handsome husband who took me on the best honeymoon." He closed his eyes and his head came to rest against mine.

"You need this closure."

"I don't want it." It was the truth. If I saw that gravestone, it would just add to my guilt. I was comparing the size of Derek's hand to mine. "I want to have a baby." I admitted. Derek hummed his agreement.

"If it's a boy, we should name him Scott."

"I'm glad we're on the same page. Thank you." He tilted my chin up to give me a small kiss.

"Anything for you Tesoro." I smiled up at him.

"I love you so much. I'm only alive because of you." He rubbed his nose against mine and I giggled. That's when Lucky jumped up on my lap. The dog licked my face. I hid my face in the crook of Derek's neck so the dog couldn't get to me.

It would be so much better if I could joke with Scott. If I could hang out with my friend and see his smile. Talk to him about everything.

I will never regret being with Derek though. No matter what. He makes me happy. Derek is my life.