Brown Eyed Soul [on-going]

SYNOPSIS

I LOVED A MAN WHO WAS VERY DEAR TO ME. He got these deep-set hazel-colored eyes shining through whiskey. Those eyes have a kind of brown that's gold underneath and carry the rays of the sun. Whenever he stares at me, he has this gentle soft gaze that melts your heart away and tickles your stomach as if there are dozens of butterflies flying around inside it. He has artfully messy hair, a delicate nose, a concrete jaw, and a cosmic smile.

I love him so dearly that even God takes him away from me. I've got so many questions floating around in my mind. What's wrong with me? Am I a mistake? A burden? Was I a bad person from my past life? Why does everyone I love leave me? What did I do to deserve this? Do I deserve this?

I remember holding your hand, realizing how much it was going to hurt when you had to let it go. If only you could stay around for a long time with me. If only...

"Mom, are you okay?" my son, Lukas asked.

Agad ako bumalik sa wisyo at madaling pinahiran ang aking mga luha habang bitbit ko ang isang litrato. I put his picture aside and continue cleaning the room na parang walang nangyari.

Lukas stopped me from what I'm doing. He quickly pulled me to give me a hug, "You can't lie with your eyes, mom.", he said while stroking my back.

Hindi ko na napigilan at bumuhos na ng malakas ang aking mga luha. It's true, no matter how hard you try to lie, your eyes will always tell the truth.

"You kept lying to me everytime I asked if you were okay, you also lied that you've already forgotten dad...", he said in a concerned tone. "It isn't easy to forget someone you love." malumanay niyang sabi.

"I'm sorry." tanging sabi ko sa kanya.

It has been 20 years since he died and I can't seem to forget him no matter how hard I freaking try! I want to move on. I want to be free from all the painful heartaches.

I miss him so much that it breaks me. I feel so frustrated that I only want to cry until there are no tears left to fall.

"No, you shouldn't be sorry, mom. I understand you.", he said. "Stop trying to forget dad, God had a reason for bringing you and him together. Remember the way he has loved you, the way he has taken care of you, the way you have been together, it has many thousand lessons. Think back to the times you remember feeling safe and secure in his arms, or the way he was smiling at you when you glimpsed his eyes. There was something there between you and him, a wonderful connection that doesn't deserve to be forgotten."

"Please don't force yourself, you will end up getting hurt. Don't fight the memories, instead embrace him. Cry if you need to, let it out, and feel everything the memories want you to feel all over again. Miss him terribly, miss him more than anything. Let it overwhelm you. For now, just feel all of it."

And with that, I burst into tears.