checkmate (rue x lexi)

chapter 1

checkmate

Lexi's POV:

"I don't know, they usually just come to you."

Of course Cassie would say that, because for her, she doesn't need to try, doesn't need to put herself out there, because she's never had to. I'm not exactly jealous, but grown up used to not being the same way as her with almost everything.

"But what if they don't?" I press, the alcohol mixing with my insecurities in an imperfect combination. Cassie pauses, like she's never had to consider a question like this before, but then her light eyes cloud over with a darkness that should scare me, but doesn't.

"Then you go for whoever the fuck you want."

I needed her to say that, needed that push that's been keeping me in the backseat this whole ride. Watching the person I've wanted to come to me, go for someone who might not be as good for her as I originally perceived them to be. Whether I'm good for her, whether that even matters, I don't know yet. But I need to find out.

"Yeah... okay," I nod along, scanning the dance for a head of curly brown waves.

"I'm going to do that," I murmur, picking myself up from previously leaning flat on my elbows on the table. I stumble almost immediately from the strength of the 'gatorade,' but I figure drunk me is gonna do what sober me could never.

"Lex, where are you going?" Cassie calls out, now left alone at the table. She'll be fine, as she says, they usually come to her. I pick up my shoes off the table and sling them across my shoulder, wobbling out for the doors. I smile and toss my head back around to lock eyes with my sister.

"To find Rue."

~

Rue's POV:

I know.

I knew as soon as I spread the white powder into a perfect line on my lap that I fucked up. But I've fucked up so many times already, I figured why not one more time? It's not like anyone's going to be surprised, it's not like anyone expects me to act any differently.

Well, maybe I had them going for a few months, hell, I had myself going. Pretending feels like a more accurate word, pretending I'm not an addict. That it's not all I ever think about even when it hurts to feel or think. But right now, nothing hurts. I can think about how I fucked up, but I don't feel guilty, I don't care. All I feel is a familiar nothingness that I craved the minute I came back down for the last time.

Relapsing feels like coming home after a vacation you never wanted to be on.

I close my eyes and smile, seeing sparkles and glitter flow down my cheeks from the outside looking in to my own face. I touch her cheek and run my fingers through her hair while the birds chirp in the background. I listen to their song, the lyrics asking me: 'why did you leave for so long, rue? did you miss us?'

"Yes," I whisper and kiss my own forehead, leaving a cherry-red stain on my skin.

Blinking open my eyes, I walk up the walls and cling to the ceiling, until I drop down in front of my mirror. My fingers graze over my forehead, but the mark isn't there. I watch my lips turn up into a smile, all the pain from an hour ago like a distant memory from another lifetime. In this moment, the question isn't 'why do you do this to yourself, rue?' but 'why would you ever stop?'

Time slows or speeds up or both as I collapse back on my bed, and spread out my arms so wide I pretend I'm giving this fucked-up world a hug. A knocking breaks through my thoughts and I grin, swinging my head along to the sound like it's the beating of a drum. Then it stops and I lift my chin up in confusion, like someone just ripped out my earbuds at the climax of my favorite song.

I don't know if this is actually happening or not, but I go with it, seeing Lexi crawl through my bedroom window and fall on the floor beside my bed. Rolling over to the edge, I peer down at her and raise an eyebrow.

"Rue! You left the dance! Well, anyways, I'm here, so... yeah. Can you close your eyes or turn around or something when I say this?" Lexi asks and I don't even have to think about it, my eyelids sink down and my world fades to a shimmery midnight black once again.

"Okay, shit, shit, shit. Fuck it-- I love you," Lexi holds her breath waiting for me to respond. To be honest, when she told me to close my eyes, I zoned out and pictured myself climbing on top a pile of bodies in the street while a marching band brought the song back. Crazy shit, I know.

"Huh?" I mutter, wondering if I can open my eyes yet, and if it'll even make a difference. Sight isn't the strongest sense for me right now anyways.

"I-- nothing," Lexi sighs, plopping down on the mattress next to me. My body feels so heavy like I could lay here forever but also so light if she breathed hard enough I'd float away like a feather.

"Are you..." Lexi starts so I finish it for her.

"High."

Should I have told her that? Oh well. She would've figured it out eventually, cause we're on that next level detective shit.

"Rue..." she drifts off, concluding with a heavy sigh mixed with either confusion or exhaustion. Like I said, I know.

"Sorry," I mumble, biting my bottom lip then letting it go again.

"Just--why?" Lexi asks with a single word, but expects more than that back from me. If she wants honesty, I can give that to her.

"Jules left without me. Even though the whole 'yo fuck it let's run away to new york' idea was mine, I bailed out, and she didn't want to bail out too. The thing is, the whole reason I gave for staying was... My mom. Gia. You. I knew it would hurt everyone, so I didn't go through with it. But now I did this, so maybe I should've left because at least then I wouldn't be a burden on everyone," I pull out my thoughts from the darkest places in my mind and lay them down, tucking them into the sheets underneath our backs.

"I'm glad you stayed," is all Lexi says, but for some reason, it feels like enough to make me feel good.

"Why?" I scoff, laughing at the idea that me being here is a reason for anyone to celebrate, especially someone as good as Lexi.

"It's stupid and selfish, I know. I want you to be here even though you aren't really here, if that makes any sense," Lexi continues, and I feel this weird blushy sensation trickle down my cheeks like glitter but better.

"Wow. I wish I cared about me like that," I laugh it off, push down the natural happy to make room for the synthetic kind. I hear Lexi murmur under her breath 'me too,' before silence falls between us. Then I say the first thing that comes to mind.

"Fuck Nate Jacobs."

"Are you like... planning something?" Lexi asks suspiciously, leaning on her side, her eyes flashing wildly like blinking lights.

"Ha, why not? He can't take or chase away anything or anyone else; he can't hurt me more than I've already hurt me. The key to winning the game is having absolutely nothing to lose," I shrug, crazy ideas already spinning in my brain.

"But do you have anything to gain?" Lexi questions, the voice of reason.

"To make him pay for all the damage," I immediately respond, summing every nightmare he's caused for a lot of people into a short sentence somehow.

"Well, your reasoning could use some improvement, but I agree with the overall motive," Lexi analyzes something that started off as just a flat-out statement, but is growing into something deeper and more complex with every second I spend thinking.

I flip over to my stomach and crawl a few extra inches towards her, then I hold out my pinky for her to link mine with her own and make a deal that could potentially cause more damage, or make it all go away.

"You gonna help me take down Nate Jacobs, Lex?"

She doesn't have to answer because her pinky finger folds over the top of mine, but she does it anyway.

"Fuck yeah."