You said you couldn't get me out of your head, you said you never would pretend you never would mess with my feelings you promised, you told me no one has ever been so appealing, I never understood why I always wanted to be by your side. it felt all you wanted to do was hide away from the world, and I guess that was fine. I never wanted you to spoil me, all I wanted you to do was hold me tight while the darkness is trying to take me away and when I fell into the darkness, I begged for you to stay, but you got up and just walked away. when I needed you to stay, you got up and said 'sorry I cant do this anymore." I never had felt so abandoned because all the steps you took i tried not to look back. I tried, but I failed, I looked back and I saw you smiling, laughing, enjoying the fact i am not with you any longer. while you're over there smiling, im in my room crying past midnight everynight. i keep thinking to myself if there was anything i couldve done to show you how much i truly love you... but as the time passed by and the arguments turned into tears of rage and new found anxiety, i realize there was nothing i can do or say to have you walk back my way or that will take all of my pain away. and as i let my feelings out of my heart just so i dont explode of sadness.. i realized maybe it was my fault. my fault i couldnt breathe. my fault i was afraid of the reaction when i would tell you i was afraid of losing you. because i didnt want you to feel like you had to take care of me. i didnt want you to have the urge to pretect me. i didnt want you to fall into my abyss thats been growing larger and larger with thte passing time and increading pain. I'll be honest, you helped me through the pain, you helped me through the heart break, the fights, the torture of never being right. and when i broke down you tried to make me happy and tried to take all the pain away. i broke down, and i tried to bring you closer. and in the process, I accidently pushed you away. i didnt want you to leave me.. I was left in the dark, left in my slowly healing abyss which has now fallen down further than before. ive never intended for us to end. i never intented for us to go our seperate ways. ill admit, sometimes im ok, but sometimes the memories hit me like a train. All the memories, all the kisses, the laughs, the hugs, the silent yet comferable cuddles, and our movies you always watched. From hotel transylvania to cheaper by the dozen to wreck it ralph. I didnt mind the silence, as long as i was with you. i honestly really miss what we had. not even just what we had. i miss us. i miss you. your smile. your laugh, your eyes, the way you ride your bike, the way you wear your snapback, the phrases that you say that stuck to me. "nooooo" "I dont know what you're talking about" even when i told you not to say 'bang bang", i still loved it. I always expected and wanted you to say it, just so i can look at you 'hit you' and then sometimes youll pull me closer. and youll look me in the eyes, and pull me in for a kiss. my hands on your face and your hands on the small of my back. And all the while I could not realize that while you left, I slowly died inside; I could not fathom the choice you made to leave me in the abyss .
Written in 2015
