The No Kid Club

I can never get away from it.

It is everywhere.

It is ALWAYS in my face.

From the grocery store to the mall, even something as simple as going for a walk. I can never escape it.

ALWAYS IN MY FACE!!

When I see it, I feel anger, pain ....yet the most intense sadness that will linger for the rest of the day. That is why I fear leaving the house because as soon as I step out into the world....those same damn emotions will creep into my soul and take a long time to leave. I wish I didn't feel this way but it seems the more I fight off those feelings, the more real they become. I am always on the verge of tears when I see it because it is a constant reminder that I will never have that in my life. The pain is unbearable at times but I just have to keep it moving ....for the sake of my heart and of course, my sanity. Not only is every day is a struggle for me, each day is also a constant reminder that I am getting further away from one of my biggest dreams.

As the years go by and my birthdays approach, it is not a time for celebration; it's a time to reflect on not having the one thing that many take for granted. How I wish I can just let go and enjoy everything that life has to offer but how can I when I am quickly reminded that I will not get to experience the ultimate joy of life. These questions constantly swirl in my mind..."What did I do to deserve this?" or "What is wrong with me?" or "Will I ever be truly happy?" I probably will never find the answers but boy do I ever want them to stop churning in my head. The real question is .."when will all this end?" but will all my inner turmoil ever end? I wish I had an answer but all I can do is just live my life. I guess I just have to accept that I will never have it in my life. People say "you should be grateful for what you HAVE in your life already." But they don't know what it's like to live with an ache so vivid inside you that some days it's unbearable to even get out of bed.

But I do...and I face it every day, every minute of the day...from going to the bank to just watching TV.

It is there and will always be there.

A mother with her child, a woman with a stroller, a girl breastfeeding on a bench, a young mom holding hands with a toddler.

They all will never know how lucky they are.