My heart is overflowing with words I want to make known to you, to you only. Your smell, your existence, floods me with relief. I can’t help but realize how rundown, yet lucky, I am. I wait, wait for the times when we can be alone, so I can soak in the sight of you standing in front of a window, or some source of light that forms a halo behind you, confirming my beliefs of what I feel, confirming that I am irrevocably feeling this way towards you. I want to maintain our boundaries, keep our exchanges short, our communication temporary, but times are changing, we are distancing ourselves because we are moving on to the next phase of our lives. “It depends.” The words I want to shun, to replace with something else, the words I want to erase from the universe because they are the words that make me over think, that make me suffocate.
I lie awake at night, contemplating, hoping that you will notice something. Sometimes, I have dreams where we are both drunk and love falls out of our open mouths and we end up connected as one being forever. When we make humanly exchanges, my world stops, the focus shifting to only you, my body aching for your touch, for the wave of temporary healing that washes over me when it happens. Might as well stand by you and sink, at least we’ll sink together and the pain will dull and become temporary.
Every fiber of my being cries out for your presence to be affirmed, here with me. I want to shout it, make it known, but the block in my mind, the feelings of others, causes me to stop, and think. Then, the insecurities take over, negating my existence, reprimanding me for even fathoming the possibility of you loving me the way I do you. One of my worst fears is drowning..
So, you see, my love, I am here, and always will be. It’s only a matter of time before it’s known and I drown under the burden of being yours; who will never care for me.
