Everything felt empty. There was a void inside me.
I started trying to understand myself. They said I was creative, but I then asked myself,
Was I creative?
They said I was smart,
Was I smart?
They said I was kind,
Was I kind?
It was confusing, really.
Do I even know myself?
So, I tried drawing something. Each line drawn from ink, and every page was filled. Someone saw it, and said,
"Wow, That's so creative."
And yet, it didn't make me happy. Because for me, it looked really ugly.
And then I answered a mathematical equation. Quickly and swiftly. With no error, my teacher applauded, and told me,
"You are a bright student."
But I thought to myself, other students can do it too.
Then one time I saw an elderly woman, asking for food to people that is passing by. No one was paying attention to her. So, I went up to her and gave her some bread to eat.
"Thank you. You are avery nice kid."
Yet, in my mind, the picture of me shouting back to my mother was engraved.
Each situation I have been, proved each statement yet I contradicted each of it.
I was not sure why, maybe because I was not satisfied with it?
Maybe because I never really felt any of it.
I hear all those words all the time, but I never really felt it.
Ah, it was a compliment.
It was supposed to make you happy, fluttered or shy, doesn't it?
But why couldn't I feel any of it?
Even so, I still thanked them for their compliments.
But it kept on bothering me how I couldn't feel their sincerity.
I thought for some time,
that it's maybe because they never really mean it.
But then I soon realized,
I was just a little bit empty,
and I couldn't feel anything.
I soon realized that I never felt them, because I had no emotion at all.
I was a human with no personal feelings.
Someone with no empathy, just like how an empty shell is.
05/06/2021
5:10 AM
kozumemizuki
