Blind to You

Blind to You - Aimer

Dear Sakunosuke,

Every time I want to sit and write this letter to you, it always occupied my mind.

'Ah, what should I tell you? What can I tell to you?'

As much as I know about how you lovingly gaze me while I began my rambling speech, I cannot help but let that question slip through my heart, every time I see you.

As for now, thinking about you is like fighting against the waves; it pushes you back to the shore, yet pull you towards the sea. It brings me back to the past, yet reminds me of the reality I now face. Do know how hard it is for me to cherry-pick the important memories of us, to be translated into limited words. I deeply want this letter to be clean, not the usual incoherent sentences from me.

I could not include the day when we met. It was nothing enchanted like how people would say when they found the one, but I need to agree with the word 'Ephemeral'; it happens in a blink.

Heavy breathing, skin glistened with sweat, pounding heart; I can never forget about the taste of the adrenaline that day. Being chased by the mafias is clearly not in my schedule.

In a suspicious alleyway, not a place that I expected for a fine man like you to be, I see you. I can somehow still feel the clinging desperation in my heart, and now I cannot help but say that I am foolish that night because I asked for help to the one who will take me to the deepest part of hell. But how can I not fully place my belief on you when I found assurance in your hazel eyes? It doesn't even stop until that. When your bandaged friend came to corner me, you held me in place, as if saying that everything will be fine.

I didn't think much, nor that I can even think while blood surged more to my feet than my brain, but you somehow see through the layers; something that I don't even realize that time, something that I want. Reassurance.

Promise you to the moon

You always say that when you promised me anything. I cannot help but laugh at how cheesy it sounds, and now I miss it.

Ah, miss. You seem to hate that word. And I can never forget the day I discovered that fact about you.

It was late at night, yet you were still in the grasp of paper works. The children already lulled by the night, and I cannot help but feel lonely under the gaze of the moon, silently remembering your promise to come back early.

It was my heart who guided me; my fingers to not only brush over the numbers but to really smashed over some just to call you.

It was my heart who took over. Right after I heard your tired voice from the device that I clutch so tight, the words just slipped in a trembling shape. I miss you.

'Don't', you said firmly, 'it feels like you're giving up on seeing me'.

I cried, harder than I expected. The overflowing tears you saw that night gave you a sure answer, I want to be by your side.

Things went beautifully after that. My heart never had the chance to waver, you always guarded me, assuring my feelings are safe, just like your promise to the moon.

I love yous became your everyday language, it became your gesture. Your butterfly touch always spill something sweet that immediately filled my heart to the rim; it made me yearn for more, but you never did more than that, as if you're afraid I'll break.

It took a long time just to get my bravery, and I regret it for life. My promise to the moon is still hanging low every night, reminding me of how I feel about you.

I know it's already over when I gaze the scarlet sky, trying to dial your number for the umpteenth time.

You'll never be mine. You'll never belong to me. It's too late. Death already has his grasp on you, your recorded voice said so.

It struck my mind, making me blind to you. Every photo of you is already torn, the frames are taken down; I miss you yet I can't bring myself to see you again.

I did it again, rambling on and on about us though I am never brave enough to say yes. Now that you're gone and the letter reaches the end, I finally know what to say, and I will chant it over and over in my heart so you can hear it too.

I love you, deeply from my heart.