Erased

Alone

I walked out into the bitter cold, shoving my headphones into my ears; I opened Spotify and put on Artic Monkeys. Almost like a robot no thinking just turn the music up and block out the world.

I walked down the miserable gray lane dotted with a few streetlights to give some form of reasurring light. It was 12 o clock, mum wouldn't have noticed that I was gone. So I didn't have to be fast and run  home. Faster, a funny word for me. If I could have been a little faster, Lily wouldn't have died. She'd be at home now, wondering were here big sister was. If I could have been a little faster and grabbed her wrist and yanked her back, before it was too late, I would. But I couldn't and I had to live every passing day knowing that I could have saved her. I can still see the red car failing to veer past her. I can still see her lying on the ground her eyes hollow and empty, blood dripping down her face.

The pain felt worse today. Two years had passed since that helpless 13 year old stood in the street, rain dripping down her  staring at her sister's limp body wondering why she hadn't saved her. It still felt like it happened yesterday. And as I walked home under the dark moonlight shaking and crying I wondered why I was even still here. The amount of times I had tried to join her. Pills, knife, jumping I'd still backed out at the last minute. Not taking enough pills to fully overdose or not plunging the knife into a critical part of my body or climbing down from the ledge because I was too scared to do it. I wondered why the fuck was I still here there was nothing left for me anymore and I knew it. Except for Henry I was all alone.