God please Guide me. Too many times the devils tried me. Sometimes I feel your spirit inside of me and just like john the Baptist as a baby, it jumps, flies in my belly, my throat becomes lumped.
I showed you my sin and you showed me your son. I showed you my pride and you stood by my side. I showed you I was everything you weren't and you still didn't leave; why is it God, that's you keep loving on me?
You should have left and still should just leave, I tried so hard to be everything you created me to be, but I just kept falling and tripping and stumbling and the voices of anxiety just kept mumbling. Having everything taken away from you is humbling. They can take anything away that they want but they can never take away my faith.
Someday I'll be knock, knock, knocking on those pearly gates and when I see Jesus face-to-face, this is what I'm gonna say,
"I don't belong here."
And its funny because it won't be the first time he's heard it, not from others but from my lips; when I'd pray, this is how I'd word it,
"God, I don't wanna be here anymore. In tired of this place."
My prayer will be a little different on that final day cause I'll look at him and say,
"I didn't want to be there and I don't belong here."
ANXIETY OF NOT BEING LET IN, BRINGS ME TO TEARS!!!
Imprisoned in my paranoia, I've been sentenced for years. What if God says 'NO' to me?
And at that moment unknowingly I still know that there was nothing that I could've done different because he could have put me in a million bodies on a million missions and I'd still find a way to wreck every carnated life....
I want to go to ocean and see the stars, ain't it nice That someone up there keeps it all right even when I'm not alright? I want to quit this poem alright? I wanna be done with the blues like I'm alright but I'm not because these clouds just hang over my head like chandeliers. I see the light in the lighting and i know God's near but sometimes the switch gets shut off and I'm thrown into the black.
I tell you I'm leaving and that I'll be right back but sometimes I don't plan on ever returning...
I would have already killed myself if I wasn't afraid of burning...
But what about your family? What about your life? Nothing makes sense when your minds not right... I was suicidal and dangerous all wrapped up into one. bipolar mainia picking between razer, pill, and gun.
I can't remember the last time I had fun. Whatever they're on, please give me some. I asked the doctor for happiness and he gave me none. I look through those pills bottles but don't get anything but pills and bills, he gave me plenty. I can have pills to go to sleep and pills to get up but I know the affects would wear thin, then I'll double up. I will run out if the high spells in time for my next re-up and then go out where they prop me up but we all prop things up we expect to fall and when you do, don't expect a call.
Christians shoot their own wounded that why when i do this kind of poetry, so many toon in Because they've been church hurt too. So you relate to me and I relate to you but here's the worst thing that we can do:
Tie a noose around Jesus because of what the church put us through.
You're gonna get through this... You're going to live..
God didn't hurt us, people did.
