ma thoughts

So, my (ex) Best Friend

The smell, of your t-shirt
Remember when you gave it to me?
How did you feel?
I wont wear it, i cant
Wont feel right, way too tight
Told ya
Always tell i wear L
Got me an S

Purpose?

Don't know, probably not though
It's weird
Loving one day
And switching to frustration, anger, and dissapointment the next.
I wish i just said something. Just told you, how i felt.

Know it wouldn't be returned anyway.
Felt like shit getting to know that our friend still kinda had a crush on you after three years.

I started to notice my almost unconditional love for you about half a year ago, i think.
You know my memory is bad.

The worst thing about it is, i know I'm hurting you because everytime you ask i tell you i need to think about it. I need to form a sentence, phrase it, find the right words.

I think i just don't want to break your heart, even though you told me you dont know how to love, you love your friends. At least i thought so.

Until you tried to fuck our friends ex and almost ignored us while we stood next to you flirting.
We were out on the playground, it was around 2am.
Do you remember?

Did you realize how much it must have hurt for her?

You know, even if she told you, what I'm not sure about, that it was okay to make out with him, not in front of her fucking eyes. Oh yea, right. You didn't even kiss him. But the other guy a few days earlier and oh the other guy and oh what about me?

I told you, you were the only one allowed to touch me there. We didnt have sex, don't get me wrong now but it was the closest I've ever gotten to having sex and if he would have wanted to go further i would've fucking jumped immediately. Fuck I'd have done so fucking much.

All just so we could end it on a 'last night was fun lmao' and him making out with another guy he just got to know the exact same day. And fuck did i feel betrayed.

After that you slept at my house. Only the 3rd person since I've moved. And hell i felt so uncomfortable. I dont care if you have adhd or some shit but if you tell me and almost beg me to wash the fucking dishes and dont get shit done within half an hour it makes me go crazy. It wasnt even much.

Ugh. Enough of that though. Fuck all that. I'm actually trying to move on. You're not my best friend anymore, i wish i would tell you, i wish i could? Maybe i will. I hope i will. It doesnt strike me as fair letting you in the dark, we haven't texted in ages but i don't really miss it. Actually, i dont think of you much since then. The only times i do are the ones, when i think about how to tell you.

Fuck all that though, maybe I'll just send it to you.
My thoughts, the middle of the fucking day. Mostly. Hey wattpad.