Chapter 1: Hockey Practice
There has to be a reason for these dreams. I'm studying psychoanalysis in school and it says that there is a reason for every thought and desire, but what part of your conscious do dreams come from? You could say it comes from your Superego because it's the conscious mind... but they make absolutely no sense to me, so could it be the Id from the unconscious? I just wish I could master this puzzle.
"Avery, it's time for hockey practice... Let's go! If you're not down here in one minute I will drag you down here, and you won't like that." The house rumbles because of my dad's loud, deep voice. My dad is usually stressed out because he is the CEO of Toronto attractions and he has to raise both me and my brother (who is an alcoholic and a drug addict). He pays more attention to me because he categorizes Bryan as a lost cause and he wants me to grow up to be a good and successful person.
"You have 30 seconds... 29, 28, 27..." He continues to count down the seconds. I close my laptop and run downstairs and get my hockey bag from the spare room because I really don't want to test him. Don't get me wrong, I love to play hockey, but I've just been so damn preoccupied with the meaning of these dreams that I can't focus on anything else.
We get into the car and don't say anything to each other. My father and I have the kind of relationship that we can sit beside each other silently, with no awkwardness present in the room. The radio is playing on 107.5 Rock FM. I love all kinds of music but I especially like classical music. It is extremely soothing when my mind is racing like a prize race horse. I like rock music too, but oldies rock because it tells stories. I love listening to stories, feeling what those people feel and relating it back to my life.
We get to the arena, I take my hockey bag and stick out of the car and start walking to the doors, "Thanks Dad," I say "See you after practice." He nods his head and drives off. Practice is extremely boring. Even though I am team captain, I get tired of carrying their pathetic asses around the rink. They think they can stand their looking pretty while I do all the dirty work... It's sickening. I mean, yes we are girls... but you play this sport for a reason! MAN UP! Today is extra annoying. I'm getting yelled at by Coach S. to pick it up for the rest of my team when all I can think about is the mystery of my dreams, dreams in general and what their purpose is.
Finally, hockey practice is over so I can go back to the comfort of my own home and do some more research. I blocked Wikipedia off of my Google search because that is the most untrustworthy site anyone could use and I am disgusted at people when they use that website for their school papers... PICK BETTER SOURCES RETARDS! I try to tell that to my boyfriend Ace, but he doesn't listen. Ace is an intellectual too, but he needs to smarten up his game because I'm winning in the smartness area... I'll give him the win on the looks though!
Ace is really wonderful, he is always right beside me when I am taking on a new project. He knows that once I am into something, there is no stopping me from getting all of the answers I am aspiring to get. For project "Find the meanings behind my dreams" (I know it's a long title, I'm working on it) I want to know: what part of the brain dreams come from, do they foreshadow your life, and do they have an actual purpose or meaning and if they do, what is their meaning among my life? Ace is willing to take all of this on followed by all of my craziness in the process... That's why I love him.
So I get home after a terrible practice and a painfully mind racing drive with my dad, run upstairs to my security blanket, my laptop. I keep her in mint condition because she is my only source to the answers I am searching for. I open it up and my page is still open to my research about the psychoanalytic criticism and the three main parts of the conscious and unconscious; the Id, Ego and Superego. There is nothing more on this web page that I haven't already read... I go back to Google, the god of internet, and type in "Dream Philosophies" and the "Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy" was the first selection that appeared. It sounded promising so I opened the page hoping it would further my journey to the answers I wanted. It was quite helpful and it talked about the philosophical side of the argument. It covered the three main categories in philosophy; metaphysics, epistemology and ethics. Then I came across Descartes' argument, which was essentially the question of if life was all just a dream, and how we know the true reality if it is possible that everything in the physical world could perhaps be a dream. This argument intrigued me, so I bookmark the page and close my laptop because it is 7:00 and time for dinner! Menu for tonight, Spaghetti and meatballs! Yumm!
After a dinner full of unnecessary arguments, lectures and anger from my father towards Bryan, I can finally go back upstairs and continue project "Find the meanings behind my dreams." Unfortunately it's already 8:30 and I haven't started my 3 pages of calculus or my 2 pages of physics homework yet, I'm In for a long night. I start to work on questions like 3x2+6zy+7xz = What is the value of Y? After I did 3 questions out of the 3 pages of calculus, I give up and go to bed. I like more thinking classes and philosophy classes, I'm not much of a math person, but it doesn't mean that I am bad at it, I have to say I'm actually pretty good at math.
I have a very specific night time routine, if I don't do exactly this routine then my next day is all messed up and I can't function. First I take a nice long shower. Tonight it was 20 minutes longer than usual because of my stupid hockey practice getting in the way of everything! Then I get into my clean pajamas, today they are a royal blue with leopard print. I then brush my hair precisely 20 strokes per side (right, left, back) then I brush my teeth for 2 minutes and floss for 1 minute. Finally, I hop into my warm, comforting bed and fall asleep within the half-hour. I have this unsettling anxiety inside of me every night before bed because I am scared of the next dream I might encounter. Dreaming is when I battle the most painful nights.
I have had dreams where my mother had bought me a snake and I loved it like it was a domestic pet, like a cat. This snake named timothy acted like a loveable and independent cat, until it got angry. Timothy and I had an emotional bond, but I was going on a trip to New York City. The only thing we had was a sandwich Tupperware container to put him in and suddenly this huge snake was a very small snake, small enough to fit into the container, but just big enough to not be able to move an inch. I cried over this in my dream because I felt so bad for him. The weird thing about this dream is that I am TERRIFIED of snakes and how quick Timothy changed from being giant to tiny in 2 seconds flat. Most of my dreams are very vivid and I always remember them and have a set image in my mind that can never be erased from my memory.
The most unsettling part of my dreams however, is the appearance of my mother. I never knew her and my father doesn't speak about her. I think that has always been one of my underlying wonders, of who my mother is. I wonder if my brother knew her, or the reason why I have never met her. I think that is what gives me the most anxiety, because she is in every single one of my dreams. Well, maybe it's not her exactly, maybe it's just a motherly figure, but whoever she is... I want to meet her.
***
"OH MY GOD NOOOO!" I scream, awakening myself from this horrible dream, tears streaming down my face. I sit up and take deep breaths to calm myself down. Usually, when I wake up from a dream, I go to my dad and wake him up to let him know that it happened again and I sleep in his bed for the rest of the night, but I am not going to do that tonight. No! This dream scares me too much. I haven't had a bad dream in years, not since my dad got me my dream catcher 10 years ago when I was only 7. However, this dream is unlike any dream I have ever had before, I don't even know what to think. This dream actually made sense, had a... plot, so to speak. So many questions, so many wonders, so many more newly developed fears. It is now 3:06am and I can't fall back asleep. All there is to do now is wait for morning and try to make the tears stop flowing down my red, drool covered face.
