Sweet Nothings of the Mind

Sometimes

There are things that I do, small or big, conscious or not, that I do that will sometimes make things harder or difficult on a relationship. The times I had been in a previous relationship didn't go very well: cheated on, lied to, manipulated, abused.
Certain behaviors that aren't necessary for a healthy relationship. Sometimes, I'll do something I'd done in the past. And this time, this time I'm sure it'll be the end. I'm just too much, I'm not good enough. I think this everytime. Without fail. And it terrifies me.
But everytime, without fail, he will take my hand and speak to me softly. Brush my hair off my face and, sloppily, attempt to wipe my tears. He tells me he's scared too. That we're both still a bit screwed over from our past.
He will not point out my faults, or sneer in my face. Instead, he will smile at me and tell me the things he loves of me. How I've made his life better. Sometimes, he'll even lay with me and hold me close and I'll just listen to his heartbeat as he runs fingers through my hair and tells me to just cry until I'm cried out. And I'll cling to him like he's the air I breathe.
Sometimes...sometimes I don't want to speak, and I just want to be held. And he will.

Sometimes, he will lose his temper too fast. He will shout in exasperation or he'll punch a seat. He knows when he gets upset, and angry. I understand when he gets hotheaded so fast. It has always been him. His personality and family life, I understand he's needed that quick spitfire reaction to be heard and listened to.
Sometimes, he'll realize only after reacting that he's gotten to that point. And he'll look to me, and I see something on his face, in the look of his eyes, as he turns to face me and the anger and frustration is forgotten for just a second.
I love him still, and know that no matter what, I'm safe with him regardless of his feelings. Yet I see when he apologizes to me, the sadness. He will bow his head, and silently tears will start to fall. And then it's my turn; I hold him and run my fingers through his hair. I will whisper to him the amazing things he's done for my life since I met this man. I'll feel his long breaths as his chest rises and I'll look him in the eye, and tell him that there's no one, no where I would rather be than with him.

Sometimes, we will lie next to eachother, and I'll listen to him snore like a lawnmower, and I'll think this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Sometimes, he will sing to me, and dance with me. Sometimes I'll curl around him as he plays video games and dies fighting some boss, and I'll rub his head and shoulders to get the tension from work out.

Sometimes we argue and complain. But all the time, we kiss and laugh and say I love you.