How to get over a dumb ex

Chapter One: Step One: Dont get down in the gutter

I sat down on the side of the road in the gutter because that’s where I belonged. I watched people walk past me, avoiding eye contact and pretending not to see me. Maybe if I sit here for long enough the love of my life will come around the corner. I ran my hands through my hair to make myself look cute and that’s when it happened.

That’s when he came around the corner, walking backwards for some reason. Could this be him???? I couldn’t see his face but from what I could see he had beautiful tanned skin and luscious brown hair that blew in the wind. My heartbeat caught in my chest and I watched him, wide eyed as he slowly turned around.

This was it, he was going to turn around, he would see me and I would see him and he’d think “that girl” and he’d be kind of dumfounded and stumble over his words for a second and make some sort of quirky joke about how I was too pretty to be sitting there on the side of the road then he’d ask me when I was free this week for a date and I’d say I’m free now and he’d be like oh wow she’s different and the rest would be history.

I blushed hard, thinking about it.

He jumped and swerved around on the spot and my heart dropped. He danced on the spot to imaginary music. He had one eyebrow almost as thick as his forehead with hair so long he was able to put wax in it and curl the ends up as you would a moustache, he also had two beady black eyes. Two beady evil black eyes that were now locked on me. He sauntered over to me.

Oh god no please, I pleaded with the universe to cut me a break as he walked over to me.

He stopped in front of me and looked me up and down and spat to the side.

“ya got a dollar?” He asked, breathing heavily

I huffed angrily and sifted through my fanny pack until I felt what felt was a dollar coin and chucked it at him. He caught it and turned around and bought a rose from the shop immediately behind him.

Oh god he was getting me a rose?! With my own money?!

“Hey baby!” he exclaimed loudly as a girl came around the corner with an equally as fucked up monobrow. He handed her the rose and she threw herself into his arms. They both lovingly rubbed their monobrows together then kissed. He picked her up and but her onto his back and they both disappeared around the corner.

Ok so I was single but there these mutant weird ass people were finding love and shit.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!

“Why are there so much more cute girls then there are cute guys” I grumbled angrily to myself as I took my phone out and swiped left on all the guys on my dating app that were essentially the same as the weird ugly mutant guy.

“Well if a girls born ugly shes still got a fighting chance because she can do her hair and her makeup and dress pretty and then shes pretty, but if a guys got an ugly face there’s no hair or makeup that’ll make up for that and also I think women are naturally more picky because it easier for a guy to have multiple partners coz he just ejaculates and moves on but a chick gets pregnant and gets stuck making a kid for 9 months” I jumped at the voice, I hadn’t noticed anyone sitting in the gutter with me and she quite clearly looked as if she had been there for a lot longer than me.

“I don’t understand”

“What part?”

“So in other words Tom is going to be out there having sex with 50 million fucking girls-”

“ah recently single I see”

“- while I hang out at home alone and LONELY for a few good years if not the rest of my fucking life because every guy is UGLY to me because I’m picky about wanting the perfect baby even though I don’t even want a baby”

“He would be if he wasn’t one of the ugly guys”

“Really? You think he was actually punching?” I asked

“if we’re going off statistics you were probably the more attractive one”

I stared at her blankly. She sighed “Yes, he was punching”

I burst out crying “I’m just a toxic, poisonous person who will never be desirable ever again. I couldn’t even attract that guy from before and he was UGLYugly”
T

he girl from beside me sat silent for a few minutes. “You need some fkn ice-cream. Come, I know a place not far from here”

***

Gutter girl and I had been walking for what seemed like 5 hours. She scratched the top of her head as she looked down on the google maps on her phone.

I shivered as i wrapped my arms around me to shield me from the morning cold and then gritted my teeth as a random girls boyfriend leaned over and put his coat over her. Disgusting, to think people act like that in public!! I growled at them as they walked past and they crossed the street for id assume an unrelated reason. Maybe because she thought id steal her man because of how gorgeous i was.

But there is one thing about me no one knows 😔😔😔😔 so here goes: one quirky fact about me: I am cripplingly depressed.

why u ask?

"Because the love of my life left me and now im destined to live my life out bored to fucking death and single till i eventually die at 83"

"-excuse me?!" gutter girl twisted around to face me, almost causing me to fall on top of her.

"well actually i left him but-"

"How about you try starting your conversations naturally instead of picking up right from the middle. Its how people generally communicate"

"-before that he left me but that doesnt really count coz we only broke up for like 3 or 4 hours and then got back together"

"wow" Gutter girl gasped.

"yeah" I slumped against a construction site fence. I burst out crying hard into my hands, few seconds in and i had waterfalls of snot stringing out from my nose and onto the ground.

"Well we need to get yous the fuck back together!!"

"really???" my eyes lit up as I envisioned gutter girl and I doing something to win back Nigels love. Maybe by staging a kidnapping.

"yes, the fact you guys arent still together is an unnatural and gross turn of events"

"GREAT" I shouted and jumped on the spot. I caught my reflection in one of the store fronts close by and quickly patted down my hair and made myself look presentable.

Today was my first day back at school since Nigel and I's breakup. I had hardcore been avoiding going to school today but u could only call so many bomb threats to your school before they just give up and screen your calls.

Due to gutter girl I had found some new confidence and strength.

"Ill meet you back at the gutter after school to discuss logistics" I yelled out as I took off in a sprint down the street.

"thats fine i didnt really want the icecream anyway haha" gutter girls voice disappeared into the distance as I ran.

I was going to get my man back.