little one

part one

It was a dark and stormy night, the kind of one that engulfs everything that stands in it's way with pure eclipse. Outside my small house the wind howls furiously, I paid no mind, for the simple reason I had yet care. I had yet to care about a thought a soul and even my own existence. I had yet to care about love, hate, or the people who have left me throughout my life. To say the least, everything through my eyes seemed pointless, even the pursuit of happiness, love, or even life itself.

I savored my glass of wine, for I knew it would be my last taste of this bitter world. A single beam of moonlight shone through the window and glistening everything it touched with its gentle beauty. The knife lay in treachery reflecting in the gentle glow. Almost causing an artificial sense of security. Sip after sip, the volume grew lesser, reaching into my pocket I pulled out a pill bottle that had about 20 benzodiazepines and downed them with my wine all except a few lonely swallows. A life of wasted time on my thoughts, as now tears streamed down my face I knew that I could not go on living in this manner. I knew that I couldn't bear the forces of the outside world, and most of all, I knew that I couldn't stand being alone anymore.

Finally, my glass ran empty and I let out a long sigh. "This is it..." I said in a hush town as i hesitantly picked up the blade and froze, "why can't I do it? What's holding me back?"I thought to myself maybe my father was right, maybe I'm too soft to ever amount to anything. My thoughts filled with anger towards the pitiful jerk that he was and finally an act of pure rage, I drove the blade into my gut. The sharp pain was unbearable, causing my mind to feel as if it were going to burst. But I knew it would be over soon, everything would be over soon, I thought pack onto all of the Miss happenings of my life, all the wrong that I have caused, and all the tears that were my fault. Somehow I knew that everyone would remember me as what they saw, happy joyful Fox with nothing to regret. Rather than the depressed being that I actually was. In an instant my head grew heavy and my body felt strangely light, this was my closure, this is my contentment, this is my farewell ... or so I thought.

Beep...beeep...beep.. a machine ring out as I just lay there silently, but there is another sound something familiar, something almost reminiscent. And it continued to drone on, someone's crying. It somehow I couldn't figure out who. I try to force my eyes open with little prevail, I try again and again until I could see, but even then the whole room was a blur. Slowly but surely my vision games Focus, to see the Husky sharing his tears at my bedside. "...uggghhh...Jude?" I muttered out, as the Husky looked up, shivering in fear. In fear that he may have lost me.

"You're awake. " he said in a very soft tone. "Where am I?" I questioned not understanding how I got here. "You're in the I.C.U. I carried you to my car and drove me here when I saw... When I saw that you had tried to end it. Why did you do it?" He asked in a tone of pure confusion. But he wasn't the only one who was confused, I hardly knew Jude, and furthermore he hardly knew me.

" I couldn't take it, life is too much for me to bear, lately life had just been going through the motions I felt as if life were just get up, go to class, go to work, go home, watch some TV, go to bed, repeat. I felt as if there was nothing left for me." I began as my thoughts raced through the entirety of my past. " it was as if I were a shell of who I used to be..." I started whilst letting out a heavy sigh. "... I used to be somebody important to everyone I knew, somebody who could bring a smile to another's face, somebody who had a family that cared, a family that was there when he got home from school, a family that wouldn't cast him out just for the expression of who he was, but that has changed. Everything has changed and everyone is different now. That young kit has grown up despite the fact that he never wanted to... he still dreams of that time and place, he still wants to go to the way that things were, but he can't no one can..." I continued, digressing along the way.

Then without a word, Jude climbed into the bed next to me, moving my head softly to his chest. Had this been anyone else on the planet I would have protested, but Jude always seemed to possess a paternal quality that made me feel as though I could trust him. " I don't know how to explain this, but in a way I understand how you feel..." he stated softly as he began to stroke my hair. "... you feel as if a part of you is missing, a part that will always be lost, and no matter how hard you try, the void where it used to rest remains hollow. When I lost my son I felt this very way, little Kopa who was all I had in this world. I adopted when he was only a year old because his mother a close friend, was dying of a genetic brain cancer. I raised him as if he were my own... When he was about three, he was diagnosed with the same strain of brain cancer. I spent Days by his bed side then days turn to weeks, and weeks turn to months I watched as the life drained from his eyes it tore me apart. And just six days before his fourth birthday, I was given the worst news of my life. Then seeing you here brought all this back to me, and I realized I can't lose you too..." he lulled still petting me, the warmth radiating off his body soothing me into a half conscious state. "But why do I matter to you, I barely know you and you barely know me. I just don't understand how one stranger can care so much about another." I argued out of confusion. " I care about you, because to me, you have always seemed like a lost little kit searching for his home, a home that has been in front of him this whole time, I love you, and I always have, whenever we would run into each other in a market or while checking the mail, our conversations were the highlight of my day." He explained leaving me speechless. "... I should probably go, I know I just creeped you out, and you need your rest. But remember no matter what I will always have a place in my heart for you." he said leaning away

"Don't go!" I pleaded Softly, I felt as though if someone were to take him away from me the small piece of me that was hanging on, would just give up. He fell back in and began to pet me once again. The moments following that were spent in a comfortable silence as I began to drift away, that neither Jude more I dared to break until I was just about to fall asleep, when Jude whispered "sweet dreams little one."