Be There

Hold on, don't let go

“I know it's all you've got to just be strong
And it's a fight just to keep it together, together
I know you think that you are too far gone
But hope is never lost, hope is never lost”                                                                                                                                                                                                He felt a little awkward and nervous and he wasn’t quite sure why. It was everything he had hoped for since he betrayed her and realized how deeply he loved her: she asked him to stay, she pulled him inside with her, she wanted to spend the night with him. His heated blood was rushing from his head to pool in his stomach and lower. Her small hand in his felt so right, like it always had. But something felt wrong. He hated to see her sad or in pain, and today it was her family’s doing, but he knew that he was mostly to blame.  

“Reyyan? Can I say something?”

She turned to face him but didn’t let go of his hand. They were in the middle of the room now, a few steps from the bed. He’d never been so glad for her to hold his hand than this moment. 

“I’m sorry.” Yes, his timing was terrible, but he just couldn’t go on in whatever kind of relationship she wanted to have with him without apologizing.

“What?” she looked happily surprised, yet confused at the same time.

“I’m sorry.” he took her other hand in his so he could have both and so she faced him fully.

Her chocolate eyes shone with tentative hope.

“I’m sorry for what you had to go through today. I’m sorry for all the lies. I’m sorry for betraying your trust. I’m sorry that I left you. I regret every horrible thing I did to you.”

She blinked faster as tears came to her eyes but she remained silent and motionless.

“You are the kindest person I’ve ever met. You have the purest soul. You above all people deserve happiness. I regret every last thing I did that made you cry, even this.”

She chuckled a little through her tears and he smiled as he wiped the drops with his thumb.  

“I meant what I said earlier, that you belong here.” he brought her hand up to his heart. “With me. I want you to know that this is what’s leading me now, not anyone or anything else.”

He wanted her to choose him, more than he wanted anything in his life, more than he wanted revenge. But he wanted it to be entirely her choice, with no lies, everything on the table,  and no begging. Only then could he live a full life, free from regret or guilt or shame. Admitting his faults and apologizing to her, telling her she was everything he wanted; it was the most vulnerable he’d ever been. But that was part of living with no regrets, living life on his terms.

“I belong here?” she flattened her palm over his heart and pressed so she could feel it beat against her skin.

“Yes.” he whispered while anticipation made his pulse race. 

“Then come with me?” she grabbed the hand that was on top of hers and pulled him with her toward the bed.

He gulped and took one step forward before he regrettably had to stop her to head back to the door to lock it and toe off his shoes. But she came with him, holding his free hand while he made sure they were safe. When he was ready she smiled softly at him and gently tugged on his arm. He had such a vivid vision then, of her greeting him when he came home from work and taking him to their bed, that he could swear it was a premonition.

He filled with elation and anticipation as she led him to the bed. His overwhelming desire for her battled with his self control with every step he took. His arms shook with the effort of remaining loose and not tightening themselves around her waist. His palms itched to touch her hair, hold her face, pull her against him. 

She brought him around to the side of the bed she was sleeping on before the dramatic interruption, and motioned for him to get in. He had no idea what she wanted or how far she was going to take this so he slid in under the covers, still fully clothed. She made a move to get in under the covers too, so he slid over to make room for her. She smiled cheekily at his stiffness and gently pushed his shoulders so he would lie down. Her smiling face hovering over him, her wavy hair falling around them like a curtain, it was like every beautiful dream he’d ever had. Then she lay down too, but pulled herself under his arm so she could rest her head on his chest.  

Images from their wedding night haunted his mind, as they often did. But back in the place where they first made love, in the bed he bought for them, the images blurred with reality and it took everything in him to control himself. He looked down and her peaceful sleepy face, just as he did that fateful night. But this time his internal struggle was of a different nature entirely. She flattened her right palm on his chest, over his heart. I belong here? Yes.

Instead of lying awake staring out at the night sky wishing morning would never come and hating himself with a fire he never knew existed, like he did that first night with her, he softly shut his eyes, tightened his right arm around her shoulders, and basked in the feeling of peace she radiated and the weight of her beautiful head on his shoulder.  

Sleep always came to him so easily when she was with him, the feeling of completeness in his soul lulling him into a deep and restful slumber.

NOTE: I didn't have a super specific vision for this chapter, and it didn't turn out how I anticipation, but I actually really like it. It's probably not realistic for Miran to apologize, but that's why they call it fiction!