Galvar

The Start I Suppose - 1

I stared into the mirror laughing for the smile I so desperately wanted in that picture. I was in a new suit. Black jacket, black pants, and a patterned shirt. I don't know why I liked it then or still do for that fact, but I was genuinely happy and I felt euphoric. I was never that into the trend of clothing as a statement but at that moment I felt like I was living up to everything my family wanted me to be. I don't see myself as the classic "Guy" or whatever I'm more dramatic than just roll with the punches kind of person and that gets me in a bit of trouble from time to time. I say a lot of stupid things because I want approval. I seek it.

This one time back a while a was looking for a friend, but since I need direct instructions because I have mental illnesses or as my mom puts it "No you couldn't have mental illnesses even though the family I adopted you from is littered with them, it's because of that one time when you slammed your head against a glass table." Yeah, I kinda would rather think that I have mental illnesses than brain damage, but back on topic. My friend kept saying some really weird things and I kept getting progressively more and more confused and then my mom asked me to come back and that's when I saw her. I took off running hoping she'd chase me because I'm a weirdo and surprising enough she did. I slowed down a bit to let her catch up, but she actually caught me and that was a first for almost anyone.

That friend was one of the best friends I had ever had and I thought they were great. Friends are kind of essential to life if you think about it. I have a lot, but they all think I'm someone different. I compulsively lie to them and when they find out they get mad. I don't want to, but I'm scared I've done it for so long that I can't just have a normal friendship, it has to be special. That is me making a shitty decision.

Let's backtrack I'm standing over this new suit I bought and am happy with. My mom's overjoyed acting really gay about the whole thing, but what do I care. A lot actually my mom looked, so happy that day and I didn't want to do anything to ruin it. Let's move forward a tad, I'm at a store in a gray shirt showing off my shoulders and in skinny jeans. Why was I dressed like a girl, because that's how I want to be. I have gender dysphoria, so I have trouble being my gender normally. I kind of wish I was born a girl, I don't regret my life a lot of things have been great, but I wish that I was a girl. When I'm not home it is the only time I can experience that.

I was in a bedroom a friend of mine taking a picture of an outfit that I would only wear when I'm not home, which I wasn't currently. The shirt was a rose gold pink and black trimming it was dry fit, I was wearing a flower hair clip because it made me feel pretty, and I was sporting skinny jeans again. That same friend helped me throughout a lot of things and I ended up lying to her about a really stupid thing. I made her cry the reason was irrational to me at the moment, but I don't get people, so I'm probably wrong.

I attended school normally and always was a boy, but I said to a lot of other kids that I didn't care about my pronouns and I identified as He, She, They. I didn't care what others called me, but when I was actually referred to as she, it was an amazing experience. This is a bit of a tangent, so I'll stop and actually get to the story.