bitch, this whole thing is an absolute mess. dt
Ultimately I don't understand a thing
I try to do the best I can
I know you try to do the same
We're just so bound to make mistakes
You could call it a disposition
I apologize for all your tears
I wish I could be different
we really don't understand anything do we? life can just keep flowing by for everyone but you can stay put. thinking on the past. think about it like the ocean, you stand in the sand while the waves crash over everything and anything they can touch before being fulled back into the endless waters of life, but while the waves move you stay put. standing in the the remains of your relationship. the sea welcomes me and i float on it waiting for a sign. a sign that i should go back to shore. maybe just a call. from someone. anyone. i'm lonely without him.
But I'm still growing up
Into the one you can call your love
I don't know if I'll ever be enough
I'm throwing in my chips
I guess I tend to push my luck
it's only been a week. a week since the hurricane of a fight took place. was it absolutely my fault? no. because it takes two to fight, but i certainly was the instigator. i miss him. this is so stupid and i'm so childish. but it's ok right? because i would never be able to be enough for him anyway, and he seems to be doing just fine without me. and i'm doing just fine without him. peachy fucking keen. so it seems i'll just laze about until i feel ready to do anything, whether it be finally cleaning my room or making a nice dinner that isn't ramen noodles. i'm glad i have my cat here with me. at least taking care of her is a motivation to wake up in the morning. and i'm glad star forces me out into public.
And ultimately I believe we'll be okay
It's so cliché to say these things, but repetition is a key
I think I'm better when I'm with you
But I worry when you're gone
I think I need to learn to love myself
I must learn to be strong
i'm worried about her. i saw her at the beach a few days ago floating in the calm river waters far away from anyone at the beach. her friend was on shore reading a book. i probably would've went up to her if i thought that making up was an option. i wonder if they're living together now or if star dragged her out on the beach. i'm certainly better when i'm with her and i believe we can come back from this. maybe not today but i want her back. i should've never left but i must learn to be strong.
So for now we'll say goodbye
Although it pains me in my heart
Your words they come to me in memories
They sing to me like songs
It won't be long until I'm here
Soon I'll make my arrival
Under shady trees
A quiet street
The roads that I have traveled
i guess this is goodbye for now. i lost what may possibly be one of my last chances to talk to her when i left the beach. it hurts me to leave us like this but when i stalk her insta she seems fine, so i will be to. i still hear her words in my head dancing around with her laugh. maybe i'll meet her again someday when we're both better and can afford a relationship. we'll be able to tell eachother stories about what happened while we were away, and maybe just maybe we can rekindle what we once had. i hope that's how things turn out.
Ultimately it's a beautiful thing
Like flowers blooming in a lonely field
The petals drift through crossing winds
They find their way to river streams
That scent the water beautifully, it takes me back to you
It takes me back to you
i'm out with star when i see him. across the quiet streets walking quickly towards the park where i sit. star's playing some unfamiliar tune on her uke and sings softly. it's the perfect time of year right now. the autumn leaves tumble and fall down the the grass below and children enjoy the piles of them to jump in. it's been a year since we parted ways and i finally learned to live with it. it didn't seem like he exactly missed me so i don't miss him. not anymore. star finally spots him across the park from her spot on the tree. she gets down putting her hand on my shoulder. "you okay?" she questions softly. i nod waving her off and walking towards him. as i get closer i feel the old feeling of my heart racing.
"joe?"
