What You Never Expect

Its Easier With Distractions - Chapter 4

Dear Reader,
11/06
My apologies for the abrupt end to my last entry. From what I was told was I must of passed while remembering these events due to trauma. I had not thought of those memories since they happened and I presumably overwhelmed myself. My therapist visited and told me I did good for trying to recall things but also told me to take it much slower. Life feels so slow already and now I have to make it slower. It just really is confusing. Yet my story isn't over by far and I can't let this alter what I hope to accomplish. I know there is a purpose for me.. I just don't know where. Telling myself to calm down and actually being able to do it are two completely separate possibilities. My memories of Daniel always overwhelm when I see his name I still shiver and feel a pinching in my neck. I don't entirely know how I survived those years because even though I was breathing, I wouldn't say I was really living more like an existing punching bag. Daniel was vengeful, my mother left before I could memorize her face. Some part of me hates her for that but abuse is so daunting I understand.
Dear Reader
11/15
I have been having trouble to write this because each part of me wants to push away these thoughts. Things that haunted me for years that I haven't dealt with. I couldn't speak to my therapist Judy about it.
She always tells me, "You can write it down honey, I'll read it or not if it helps you better deal with these things."
So here I am going to do this even though I've written these words over and over and still each parts gives me some internal pain.
Daniel after he beat me with the belt, I passed out. That last moment, I didn't imagine I would live anymore. When I woke up, I was face down in a bathtub, shirt worn and bloody. My hands felt like ice and my mind was lost. I never have felt so self aware of my own body. I feared to look at my chest. When glass breaks it ripples in many different directions. Taking new forms and new pieces. I felt I was like different pieces as I looked down. A deep gash was spread through the top of my neck in a crooked mocking line down to the middle of my chest.  For months upon months it flared up. Sitting in the bath I just shoved the water in and wallowed in the pain. Water droplets pound on my head, I feel each one seep in and take away some part of me. I just want out of here, but then he would think he won.

Dear Reader,
12/11
After writing my last entry I sort of had a psychic break down but now I'm out of it and feel much better actually. The best I've felt in awhile actually..

Dear Reader,
12/19
Hey, I know I haven't written in awhile or I haven't written much. But on the upside I made it out of there. The hospital is far behind me, the last few days I've been working at Toy Store. You wouldn't imagine what kind of weird people come in here, just for toys, like when we got the Star Swars collectible toys, so many people who weren't kids or their parents..
Everyday kids would come swarming in here though asking their parents for toys and crying if they didn't get them.. after a while I got really annoyed with it. Until one day I have a little kid about 6 years old come up to me at the desk with a quite nervous voice and say, "hey sit, uhm do you possibwee have army guy toys, I need to find it for someone berry special pwease." He lifts up his piggy bank that's bigger than an average DVD, with all his might. "Of course we do buddy, let me show you ALL your options!" I say with a smile on my face. He lugs his piggy bank around and grabs my hand unexpectedly. This makes laugh and show him to the row.
"These are everything we have, here's the fighter Jets, the big tanks, and all the way at this end," I say while pointing and moving him along to the end, "These are the guys in control." Some of my memories of childhood float back momentarily, all happy ones though.
"Oh nooo, it's all mooore than 5 dowlars, I only have my 5 dowlars and 20 csents," he looks down sadly, tears welling up his eyes. "I w-wanted to impwess him when he got homeee."
"Hey what's your name?" I say apologetically.
"I am Lewisss" he says as he is wipes a tear while sniffling.
I look at him and smile, "Well I tell you what Lewis, you pick which everyone you think that special person will like, and I will pay for the rest of it. Okay?" I say.
"Rweeally?" He says his face lighting up with sparkles in his eyes from the tears that were once there.
"Of course buddy, I can tell it means a lot to you!"
"Thank wuu nice guy"he says as he slips down the aisle looking for the coolest army guy.
"I like dis one!" He picks up an army man the same brand as the one I had as a little kid.
I smile and say, "Okay little guy, lets go check this out!"
He bounces in his spot and follows me to the register with his piggy bank clanking around in his left arm, the army man in the other.
"Yew know my brofer really likes Army guys too." He says spitting a little.
"Wow, really? I loved them when I was your age too." I reached over and scan the army men and apply my discount. Lewis hands me his 5 dollars and 20 cents and I pay the remaining 10. I plop his stuff in a bag and hand it to him.
"Thank yew Mr. Toy Guy"
"Call me Friend, okay?"
"Okay Friwend" he says and trots over to a guy wearing a uniform and patches all down the sleeve. Lewis waves me goodbye and talks to the man, handing him the gift he got for him. The guy looks back at me, our eyes meet and that's when I felt it,
Love.

-Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter!!!
-Amber 🐼