Sorry I had to publish this. It's weird I know. But it's the only thing I don't have you blocked on and the letter was too long for PM XD. I just needed to genuinely clear the air
~~~~~~~
To the person I thought would be by my side until the very end,
Oh how different the ending turned out to be. We planned for forever, yet here we are. Miles apart. Memories fading. The sting of what was all but gone.
Irrationality fueled by pain. Anger fueled by irrationality. Decisions were made, in an effort to protect who I was becoming. A future so promising, I was unwilling to compromise a happiness I yearned for so desperately. Now, as I look back at what was, and more importantly what has become, I can't help but feel the need to right the wrongs. As it seems, the only way to do so is remember. The goods. The bads. The love. The hate.
The time has come to dust off and revisit the files that were buried away in the deepest crevices of my mind. A revisit to all we built. And, sadly, a revisit to all we have destroyed. Burned down by the flames ignited by broken hearts and empty promises.
You came into my life when I needed it most. Lost and confused, in a new chapter in my book of life. A new town. A new school. No friends. I was sure I would spend most of my high school years alone, in confinement. Skipping lunches, to hide out in the library. Avoiding the popular girls like a plague, in hopes to stay off their radar. I had just spent my middle school years being destroyed by popular girls with self-esteem issues. I knew if I endured such things again I would surely break. So, I entered that big brick building with the plan of staying silent. Remaining invisible.
It was going well, or at least I thought it was. I would just be the shy girl from out of town. The girl no one cared about. The girl no one bothered. And then the strangest of things happened. In my silence, you came along. A small light, glimmering into my world of darkness.
Our friendship blossomed in inexplainable ways. Who could've ever known how interconnected our lives would become. How desperately we would need each other. It wasn't until the move that I knew. We survived 300 miles apart. Nothing could break us, after that. Or, that's what we thought. Perhaps we let our guards down? Maybe we got so used to being apart, that when the opportunity came for us to finally be together again we cracked under pressure.
I lie awake sometimes, wondering what could've been changed. What needed to be fixed. It wasn't long before I realized change was exactly what tore us apart. Me. I was changing. In so many beautiful ways. I was growing up. I was finding myself as an individual. And, as I went through this journey of self-discovery, I came to understand all that I had given up for the sake of keeping you happy.
My wants. My dreams. Even friends. Myself....
I compromised all I had hoped to become, in my adolescent years, to keep your smile bright. Because getting new friends meant you would get jealous. Going to the parties meant you would be jealous. Searching for love meant you would be jealous. I gave up people I cared deeply for. And those I refused to give up. You would take from me. In one way or another, it was always going to be just you and me.
Lies and manipulation turned me into a robot. You like it? So do I! You want to go there? So do I! You want more out of this? So do I...?
By the time I reached the brink of adulthood I was nothing more than a puppet on the strings you controlled like it was your job. You knew what strings to pull, and which buttons that needed to be pressed. You knew exactly what you were doing, and the satisfaction you got out of it was evident.
I was nothing. Though, this was a new kind of nothing. I was no longer just an invisible girl, trying to hide from scrutiny. I had become the definition of nothingness.
The absence of existence.
I had forgotten how to exist. Until I met these girls. These amazing girls that taught me what it was like to live again. To feel again. They entered my life like a breath of fresh air, and opened me up to change. And, as I began to change, I left. slowly cutting the strings you were so intertwined with. Because, as my eyes opened to the possibilities of freedom, it was like seeing the world in color for the first time. I saw what could be. It was so close, my heart couldn't dare leave it be.
It was then that I made the biggest decision of my life. Take a leap of faith. Fight for what I knew I could become. Or forever be entangled in you.
Sadly for us, I had to choose to jump. Terrifying. That's how I would describe it. I was afraid of all the mistakes I had to make. I was afraid of discovering that I actually couldn't do this without you. That maybe you controlled me because I never had it in me to be a bird flying free.
I underestimated myself so intensely that I let myself slip. You snuck your way back into my life, in the dirtiest of ways, and yet I still opened my arms. The fear of stumbling sent me back into the shell I fought so desperately to break out of.
I was lucky. People kept me in check. Broke me free from the chains I believed I was eternally bound too. They knew what I needed to do. I needed to rid myself of you once and for all. A bird can never learn to fly, if the mother bird forgets to push her baby from the nest. So I pushed. I pushed so fiercely that the contact was severed completely.
In fact, I got exactly what I needed, though I don't believe I knew that at the time. Without you in my life I've managed to spread my wings and soar. Soar far beyond anything I could've ever dreamed of. Life has never seemed so bright, and in a strange way I have you to thank for it.
People say that everything happens for a reason. I used to think it was nonsense. How could I spend so many years in such an empty, lonely, desolate wasteland, if that were true. Was I fated to a lifetime of sadness?
It took some growing up, but I finally get it now. The places I've been. The places I'm going. The people I love. I wouldn't have any of them if it weren't for you. You brought me to my happy place, even if it took some time to find my peace. I met great people. They showed me amazing things. And then, it was time to spread my wings. You pushed me, just as much as I pushed you.
I thank you for that. For showing me how strong I can be. You were a glimmer in a darkness I believed to be inescapable. In the end you became a darkness even more painful, but it wasn't just because of you. I changed and you weren't ready to keep up. I do wish I wouldn't have had to leave behind everything we were. But pain is an emotion stronger than most. Even if there was more good than bad. More love than hate. The pain will always be stronger.
In the end, I truly do hope the best for you. I hope whatever you do makes you happy, and whatever you strive for you succeed in. Perhaps one day our paths will cross again, and in the end I believe I'll always be here if you need. I don't hate you. Even though at times the mention of your name makes me internally gag. I will admit that I myself still have a bit more growing up to do. But it's certainly gotten better.
So... to the person I thought would be by my side until the very end.... live your life as beautifully as you can. It's the only one you've got.
