2 Seconds Before I Die - COMPLETE

2 Seconds Before I Die

5 days before I die

The first thought I have when I wake up - man it's hot. The shades are closed in the way you close them when you're too tired to care about that little sliver of hot sun that will press down uncomfortably on your face the following morning. I'm still tired, but I somehow manage to roll out of bed to get ready for what should be a better day than its beginning.

Like most people who work a nine to five, I have a special relationship with Saturdays. It is the unscheduled day that I am free to be lazy, to do chores, to go party, to read a book, to learn something new, or to drive aimlessly through endless miles from here to everywhere or nowhere at all.

This Saturday, I had a feeling that something would happen - something so out of the ordinary that I would never be able to put it into words. The best I could say was that the feeling of it creeped up on me suddenly and I thought maybe it might be something like opportunity.

Had I known it was my last Saturday, I might have ignored this feeling... this creeping sensation. I might have stayed home, read a book, or crawled into some dark spot where I could hide from it. Where I could be safe. Then again, maybe that feeling was more than opportunity. Maybe it was actually destiny, and no dark spot of comfort would find me on that Saturday.

But I was unaware. And as I contemplated all things that I could do, I realized I only had one choice really. So it was that I decided to party.

You can't meet destiny locked away at home with Lazy Saturday as your only companion.

Everyone has that friend they can rely on who knows the best places to lose yourself with dancing, drink and drunk conversations.

"You feel like clubbing tonight?"

"Where you wanna go?"

"What's hot?

"Maybe not the club, but Derek is having a house party..."

A house party. Not my usual thing. Making or fending off advances can sometimes be a trail. Never sure on the woman to man ratio, which can either make or break a party. People were sometimes familiar, sometimes not, but always familiar. Also, I was never really close to Derek. His definition of party didn't match mine.

"Alright." Riding on that feeling I thought, this could be fine. Opportunity...destiny...

Hope can be a dangerous thing. It can make us see things that aren't there, or it can blind us to the things that are.

4 days before I die.

It bothers me how little time people take to wash their hands in restrooms. Turn on the water, splash your hands, shake it off.

I turn on the water, splash my hands, then shake it off.

The smell assaulting my nostrils... It's okay. It's not my vomit. It's not my trauma.

I try not to remember the night before.

The brief moment of happiness, followed by the constant press of guilt.

I try not to remember the night before, but it is hedonistic in its persistence. It revels in my pain.

The prick of a needle. The sip of a drink. The breath of a line. The swallowing pill. Everything led to an end.

Who's responsible? The coaxer or the coaxed? The leader or the led? Both?

3 days before I die

Being in a hospital surrounded by the sick and/or dying had always reminded me of my own vitality. It was one of those things I only thought of in the moment of being there, and would never voice out loud. Some might get the impression that it was something I enjoyed.

Would I look at the woman hunched over in pain, or the bandaged man making his way painstakingly through the blank white halls and think positively on the force of my own life?

The hospital bed was empty.

Death had done its work. It had not come sheathed in black night. It had boldly walked through the stark white halls of its favorite dwelling, and had not left completely when it was done. Instead it creeped...

Was it my fault? Was I to blame? These selfish tears tell me it was, and I was.

I was not who I had thought I was.

I was death's helper.

2 days before I die.

...

1 day before I die

It occurs to me that I am wrong.

I sit in front of a black computer screen. Disconnected.

I had set out to enjoy my life - my freedom. To grasp my destiny.

Do you take an alcoholic to a bar? A drug addict to a dealer?

1 hour before I die

It occurs to me that I am not wrong.

Every person is responsible for their own actions.

Am I trying to convince myself?

No one talks. Their silence accuses me.

Everyone stares. Their glares accuse me.

10 seconds before I die

One step over the ledge...

I'm finally free. I'm diving, soaring, flying, free falling, tumbling, dropping, plummeting - trapped!

2 seconds before I die.

"What the hell was I think-"