Nothing Else Matters

Chapter 4

    Everything outside felt so foreign to me. The sky was bright blue and completely cloudless- there was a slight breeze and the sun in the sky was pleasantly warm. It all contradicted my conflicting emotions. I was angry- it was like a blind rage burning inside my conscience. I wanted to run inside the hospital and wheel Cal right out of that place. I was nervous- what if that voice in the back of my mind was right? What if he was... what if I... what if I never saw him again?

   But the emotion inside of me that was stronger and brighter than all the others was one that was alien to me- it was radiating straight from my heart and messing with my brain. Oh, I'm going mad. I thought to myself. I knew I wasn't, though. I knew this feeling was much worse- and could drive me mad if I let it fester inside me too much. Knifes were jabbing my heart and I was in complete denial of it. I dragged my feet on wards and bit the inside of my cheek until it started bleeding.

    No no no no no no... Why was this happening now? Of all times, now. That was the thing about now- it stomps on your foot and demands to be there. It wasn't like a history test you stressed all week for- there was no A, B, C, D answer choice- not even a fill in the blank. It wasn't what you would imagine it to be like- it was a cold truth. One moment now is your favorite thing, the next moment you're throwing it on the ground demanding for a refund. The storekeeper wears a shiny badge that says in big, black letters Hello, my name is Life. If you have a problem, keep it to yourself.

    Now was the moment you realized the science fair was tomorrow- the moment when your lips curls into a smile when your friend pulls you aside blushing furiously and admitting her crush on that one boy you always saw helping her with her books and making her laugh in between classes. When you see your father pacing back and forth waiting for a call from the hospital and suddenly his phone starts playing that one annoying song you always hear on the oldies radio. When he picks it up and is suddenly still. When it clatters to the ground and he sinks to the floor with his face in his hands and you just stand there in utter silence. When you realize Mommy isn't tucking you in tonight. Or tomorrow. When you see that smile and the sparkle in your best friend's eyes and suddenly know that the tugging in your heart you always feel when he comes near wasn't just brotherly love- it was more.

    At the moment, now was my father helping me into the car. His phone rung, but it wasn't that one song anymore. He couldn't stand to hear that one song ever since my mother's passing- it was her favorite song, too. It was a default noise that kind of sounded like someone playing a triangle in one constant beat. I didn't realise how much I missed his old ringtone until then.

    He picked it up and started talking. I couldn't tell what he was saying, it was all a blur. He finished and hung up. He started the car. He drove off with me in the back. He asked if I was okay. He nodded when I answered with "yeah". He pulled up to our apartment. He told me my brother was with Mrs. Julias. He helped me climb out. He opened the apartment doors. He walked up the stairs with me behind him. He told me to get something to eat. He asked if I would be okay alone for a bit. He left when I said yes.

    I didn't eat anything. I had a lot of water then went to bed, wondering what horrors tomorrow held.