What's wrong with me: a lesbian, coming out, bdsm story.

I'm sorry

Hey Juan I love you but I just need to take some time away I am still trying to figure out who I am..... Maybe at one point we can be bf gf again but for right now I just want to be friends I'm sorry I had to do this over text and I don't want to hurt you because your an amazing friend I just don't know if I want to be in a relationship right now..... Any girl would be lucky to have you but I'm not sure if I'm the one right now........ Sorry for doing this over text..... But can we still be friends.

I can't believe I just did that. Am I being irrational? I... I don't understand. Did I really love him? What the fuck is wrong with me. I'm not normal and I deserve to loose everyone. I can't believe myself. Hope told me about hurting myself... and inwomder what it's like... to be fair right now I deserve it, no matter how much it hurts. So, I walked into my bedroom where I found my pair of scissors that I would try to hurt myself with. I started digging in my leg with the scissors. It hurt so bad, but somehow I... liked it? I understand why Hope does it now. It's not because she is a psychopath, there is nothing wrong with her! In fact, I think I want to be more like her. I mean look at me, such a disgrace. It's no wonder my dad killed himself it's all because of me, and how ugly I am. I'm fat, my hair curls wierd my eyes look almost black, my nose doesn't fit my face, I can't even make friends without them thinking I'm a weirdo. I am a stupid freak, who to be quite honest deserves to die.