Daughter in the Dark

Chapter Ten

 "It was self-defense, obviously," I said quickly. I'd finally shocked Falyn. He rested his chin on his hand, frozen in thought. "Please say something. I've never told anyone that wasn't a professional." Was he judging me? Maybe I deserved to be judged. Maybe blurting that out was a huge mistake. 

He looked back and forth between me and the coffee table. "Okay," he said as he moved his eyes back to mine and kept them there. "How did you kill your mother? You were only six, right?"

"Yeah, I was. Do you really want to know about that? It's... it's not pretty." It was too late to back out now.

He took a deep breath. "Yes. I want to know."

"Well, I grabbed my father's straight razor off of the counter and I slit her throat," I said calmly. Years of repeating it in therapy sessions must have made it easier to recount than I expected. I was detached from the reality of it as if I was recalling someone else's deeds. "But as I said, I wasn't in my body. I was watching all of it happen-- That's also how I saw Olivia."

Falyn was calm too, considering the topic at hand. He'd fully switched out of pissed-at-himself-annoyed mode and returned to his analytical self. "So, it sounds to me like you dissociated when you had to kill your mom? Many people dissociate during traumatic experiences. It can feel like you're not in your body. It's an evolutionary coping mechanism from what I understand."

"Jesus, you sound like my therapist. I would totally agree with you, I really would, if it wasn't for Sam." I couldn't believe I'd just said that. What was with me and word vomiting my issues to him?

Falyn looked at me with equal parts concern and confusion. "Sam? The cat?"

Now I was confused. Then I remembered I'd told him in the bathroom that Musket's collar said "Sam". I lost all composure and started laughing hysterically. He must have thought I was utterly insane. "No. No. Sam isn't a cat. I'm sorry. This is--" I was laughing so hard I was in tears, This is too much." At some point, I started to cry tears of sorrow. 

Falyn put his hand on my shoulder. "Hey, Hey. You're okay," he tried his best to comfort me. "You can tell me more when you're ready. If you feel like it, that is." He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, desperate to change the topic. "So, you really think it was Olivia?"

"Yes, I know it was."

"Do you want to know something about Olivia?" 

I stopped crying long enough to reply, "Always. I love gossip." 

He smiled a half-smile, took his hand off of my shoulder, and let out a sigh. "Olivia said she could see spirits too. She said she mainly heard them, but sometimes she believed she saw them. Her brother passed away last year, and that's when she really went downhill, saying that he talked to her. Before that, though, she was a sweet person. Troubled, but she was nice."

"Brooke told me about Olivia's brother and her drinking too," I told him while digging for my makeup removing wipes in my gym bag to clean the snot and tears off of my face. 

"Well, then you see, what you know about Olivia is just a small fraction of the very last part of her life. She must seem horrible to you. I knew her a little before that. So, even if I believed in ghosts and an afterlife, I would have a hard time imagining Liv doing this to you."

"Liv?" For some reason out of all of the humanizing things he just told me about her, I got stuck on a nickname.

"Ha yeah," he replied, "Only her brother, Noah, was allowed to call her Liv, but sometimes it just slips out. I like nicknames. They simplify things."

"I can relate. Mine is Addie." Of course, I managed to make Olivia's tragic backstory about myself. "It's what my parents called me. Only my closest friends say it."

"Addie," Falyn echoed, "I like that. Let me know if I ever enter the category of friend that can call you Addie."
I looked down at my now dirty makeup wipe and smiled. It didn't sound parental or too endearing coming from Falyn. It seemed natural, soothing even. "You know more about my past now than even my roommate does. She doesn't know how my mom died. I suppose that means you can call me Addie."

Falyn's phone started buzzing, but he ignored it. "Okay, Addie. What do you say I wrap this investigation up and you call it a night? You need to get some rest and see a doctor first thing in the morning."

He walked me to my car and helped me push the seat back so my injuries wouldn't be irritated the entire drive. I headed back to Austin and stopped at a 24-hour urgent care clinic. While I waited, I thumbed through an old magazine. "10 Ways To Believe In Yourself More" was the headlining article. None of the 10 ways explained how to believe in yourself when your mom didn't even think you were worthy of life, let alone love.

When I was called back, the nurse was skeptical about my story that a cat attacked me. I ended up with a few stitches after all and went to a 24-hour pharmacy to fill my prescriptions.

...

I woke up Saturday afternoon after a fitful night of sleep. Nightmares of my mother and Olivia were swimming in a bottomless pool in my head. I was lying in bed, processing Olivia's attack. What did she mean by she knows what I am? That Pike is hers? How could she possibly be jealous if she never met me? There's no possible way she could be aware of my feelings for Pike. Unless she followed him and saw us flirting. There was no arguing the chemistry between us-- And how was she able to touch me?

My phone buzzed.

Pixie: I didn't want to wake you before I left. My exhibit in NYC is extended for an extra week! Super exciting stuff, but I won't be back for 3 weeks now :( 

Me: Aww. Sorry I missed you. Have a wonderful time and send me lots of pics!

Crap. I'd completely forgotten Pixie was leaving this morning. I was somewhat glad we missed each other. It meant I didn't have to try to hide my injuries from her or worse, explain them.

My phone buzzed again.

Falyn: You feeling okay? 

Me: Yeah, I got some good pain meds from the doc. 

Falyn: Jealous. Do you need anything?

Me: Maybe a regular 9-5 job.

Falyn: ...and miss all of the excitement? I'm driving to Nola in a bit to help Brooke with Pike. Need anything before I go?

I considered his question. The last thing I needed was to be alone right now. I wanted to see Pike. To comfort him. To talk to someone who would believe me about the attack. Had it even happened? The injuries were very real, but I'd been sleeping in so late I was taking my medications off schedule. What if Falyn was right and I dissociated and hallucinated the entire thing? Olivia was supposedly a decent person. It didn't make sense that she'd hurt me, but it was all so real. Maybe I was simply crazier than I realized. PTSD can cause all kinds of shit like flashbacks, hallucinations, and paranoia.

Brooke. I needed to talk to Brooke about Olivia. She might be able to shed some light on the attack. She'd believe me and I needed to talk about it with someone other than Falyn. I was unsure of many things, but not my next choice.

Me: Actually, can I come with you?