The Masks We Hide Behind

T H E  M A S K S  W E  H I D E  B E H I N D

Azrael was the best actor that Killian had ever known. He was so good that people swore that he wasn't even trying—that he was already exactly like the characters he played in real life. He was so good that as soon as he stepped off the stage and out of the light, he continued to act, because for him, it didn't require a lot of effort. In fact, it required less effort than being who he really was.

It drove Killian insane. Not that Killian hated Azrael's acting on stage—quite the contrary, actually. Killian loved watching Azrael become a host of different characters, slipping so seamlessly into one role after the next. Killian loved watching Azrael do what he was best at when he was supposed to do it, but he hated watching Azrael act when he didn't have to. Because Killian wanted to know the real Azrael, but Azrael wouldn't let him in. Killian was in love with Azrael, but Azrael was afraid of love.

Azrael was afraid of a lot of things. Imperfection and failure, because he knew he wasn't good enough but didn't want everyone else to know it, too. He feared death, because it marks an end to the known and a beginning of the unknown. But he also feared happiness, because from happiness, things can only get worse. He feared intimacy and love, too, because they end in either happiness or failure, both of which Azrael considered to be unacceptable.

That's why Azrael acted. When he was acting, he could become someone else—those fears were no longer relevant to him. Sure, it took courage to get up in front of an audience and perform, but it took even more courage not to be in front of an audience, because that meant he would be alone with his thoughts. With his fears. Which is why, even off the stage, he acted.

Azrael knew that Killian wanted him to drop the countless fronts he put up to mask his fears. Azrael knew. He really did, as much as it seemed like he didn't. But as soon as he dropped whichever character he had slipped into, his thoughts consumed him so completely that he had to pull a mask back over his face before he could ever show his true face to Killian. If his fears were a bonfire, he was like a small blade of grass dropped from above—incinerated, burnt to ashes before he even hit the ground.

Killian, on the other hand, was like a gust of wind to the fiery existence of Azrael's fears. He could sometimes put out the fire by blowing air at just the right angle and intensity, but otherwise, he just fanned the flames. Made them taller, fiercer, hungrier. All the more capable of ruthlessly consuming Azrael from the inside out. So, to avoid the pain, Azrael was careful around Killian. Which made him sad, but at least it didn't make him afraid. Because most of all, Azrael feared fear itself.

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Killian smiled to himself as he watched Azrael on stage, pouring his heart and soul into a monologue. Killian couldn't tell anyone what the monologue was about, per se, but he could easily talk about how the light shone in at an angle on Azrael's face, illuminating one half while enshrouding the other in darkness. It was supposed to make Azrael look mysterious and sinister, Killian supposed, but in his opinion, all it did was make Azrael look ethereal. It was almost as if he was a god, commanding the light at will to bend around him as he looked down at a world he controlled. Which was ironic, in a way, because while Azrael could control much of other people's worlds, he could control little of his own.

As Azrael fell to the ground, trembling all over, Killian stood up and let out a slow clap for his performance. Killian was the only one in the room, so the sounds of his appreciation echoed only briefly before going silent. Azrael stood up and grinned, taking a playful bow.

Azrael always invited Killian to come see him rehearse for the few days leading up to big show, and Killian knew it was because Azrael wanted to entice him into his world. Azrael wanted Killian to join him in his act so that they could be together without being afraid. But Killian could not bring himself to act, even though he wanted Azrael desperately.