In This Light; Soonhoon

act 8

➴ scene 1

THEY KEEP IT up, messing around every now and then when they get the chance - at each other's dorms when their roommates are out, at the back of the library. Sometimes they'll be out at lunch together, and Jihoon will purposely step on Soonyoung's toes underneath the table and light his heart up in the stupidest way. He feels like he's in grade school - just some dumb kid bouncing around on the playground who needs to get his feelings in check - but he can't help it, right? It's just the wa Jihoon makes him feel.y

Like that afternoon, when Soonyoung convinces Jihoon to go out to the park for a picnic - since the weather is so nice - and the latter agrees, even if he does complain a lot about the bees and there being too much pollen in the air. They lay out the blanket and Jihoon unwraps the sandwiches he made for both of them, and Soonyoung can't help staring at him while he does it. The sun catching in his hair. How he goes to lean against Soonyoung's shoulder and presses a light kiss to his arm, lets his hand rest on Soonyoung's thigh while they eat; the scene is almost domestic. They chat and keep each other warmer than the sun ever could. Jihoon laughs, and Soonyoung wants to drink up the sound of it. He could get dizzy on a laugh like that.

It isn't long before the food is gone and it's just the two of them, and there's nothing between them; not words, not space, not even a breath of air. Just them alone in a corner of the world where no one can see them, and their hands roaming, mouths roaming, roaming, roaming ...

Who has ever come this close? Who, in all his years of living, has touched him like this? So tender, so warm, just gentle and cautious and kind. Jihoon's hands are made of light, sunlight on Soonyoung's skin. His fingertips graze every blemish and every freckle. Soonyoung's collarbone tingles, the corners of his eyes feel wet; his heart trembles in the palm of his hand and Jihoon holds his wrists. He wonders, can he feel it? The affection surging through his veins, his pulse going haywire, can he feel it? If nothing else, it's the look on his face that has to give him away.

Jihoon breaks just to look at him, and he smiles sort of sheepishly. "Let's go for a picnic, you said. Why do we always end up back here?"

Soonyoung decides that he doesn't like the centimeters between them, so he moves in close again to kiss the corner of Jihoon's mouth. "Because it's fun," he mumbles.

"Just fun?"

"Yeah. What else?" Jihoon doesn't say anything to that, and Soonyoung wants to kick himself.

He's made it pretty clear at this point that this is just a friends with benefits thing, no strings attached; they're better off this way, he keeps telling himself. So why does he feel so unsatisfied?

Unsatisfied, unhappy - because this isn't fun, not really. Soonyoung keeps reminding himself that strings get snipped and it always hurts to have them, but for the first time in his life, he's starting to hate the freedom that comes with not being tied to someone. Like there's this uncertainty in that neither one of them has any real obligation to keep this up, so who's to say that Jihoon won't just up and leave him for something better? That would hurt just as bad as any breakup, he thinks.

He can't win. Not really. When they pack up their things a few hours later and start walking back to Soonyoung's dorm, he isn't winning. Jihoon's hand brushes the back of his. Their steps fall in sync.

Jihoon sighs and Soonyoung thinks he can almost catch it, reach out and grab the soft air between them; soft air, lit up by sunlight and just brushing Soonyoung's lips. Jihoon sighs, and Soonyoung's enamored.