Suffering in Silence

Chapter 1

I've always been the happy go lucky kinda girl. Always been the one that people came to for a cheering up. The one that listened to your problems. The helper. But what about when I want help? What about when I need cheering up? I don't mind being there for my friends I enjoy it but, I'm the forgotten one. The one no one needs to worry about. They don't understand that may be I'm the one that is actually the one to be worried about. Maybe I'm the one suffering in silence. 

You can be surrounded by many people but that is when you feel the most lonely. 

I'm Jess, I'm 19. 

I am going through some things and I thought I would let you know. I'm sad all the time. I never feel relaxed even when I go to my bed room and just think now.. now is when I can stop and just breathe but the more I breathe the more I think and that is dangerous. I think about my friends and how they don't really know who I am. I think about my family and how they don't understand me. I think about myself and how I don't like me. I don't know why maybe its my rolls that indent my stomach and remind me of the many times I have been told maybe you shouldn't eat that? maybe you should join the gym? I think about my dry broken skin that covers my red face. Or how i'm quiet and shy when I meet new people and why can't I be like my friends who somehow have the gift of being able to speak to everyone and anyone. I dream about being able to meet new people and not feel a crushing in my chest. When I am in public and trying to keep eye contact with anyone new. So... that's a few things about me just so you understand my situation. Now I am hoping for change. 

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My stomach rubbles as soon as I open my eyes. 

I pull myself out of bed and stare at myself in the full length mirror that is tucked into the corner of my room. I look at my dirty blonde hair that has been shoved on top of my head, stray hairs bounce around my round face. My blue eyes are dull and still yearn for sleep. I pull the hairband from my hair and drag a brush through my hair grows with every stroke as my hair grows static and frizzy. I spritz some dry shampoo and then decided on a pony tail to hide the grease. For my outfit I decide on black jeans and a plain grey t shirt. 

When I look at my watch it reads 8:15am I have work at 9:00am but I only live around a 15 minute drive. I work at a marketing company. I literally get paid to sit at my desk and look at a blank screen. I don't know why they hired me. I get all off 10 emails a day so when I say my day goes slow. It goes real slow. Its kind of awkward as I know the manager. He got me the job as he is a family friend I've only been at the job 7 months but I'm trying to hold out for the year and then move on to something new and maybe more exciting. I grab some socks and pull on my high top black and white converse and make my way to the front door. I shout bye to my family and head to the car.

I bought myself a mini cooper when I past my test around a year ago. It is currently my prized possession. Its very old around 13 years old. But it gets me from A to B. As I pull off it makes a rumbling noice which makes me nervous every time I pull away I could imagine breaking down one day and being stranded. I make it to work in one piece with a few minutes to spare before I officially began. 

Before I even had a chance to log in. I got called into my managers office. 

My manager Steve was over weight man which always found a reason when he walked pass my desk to grab my shoulders or touch my hair but I always played it off as "he's a family friend he means nothing by it". This morning he oddly called me into his office. 

"Hi Jess, take a seat"

I grab the chair infant of his desk and take a seat confused as to why I had been asked to come in. 

"So.. I have been speaking to Scott and we have decided that you are no longer needed in your role. We have been going back and forth trying to find more work for you to do but unfortunately there is no longer a place for you in the team. Due to your contract and you still being In the probationary section it will be that employment has been ended immediately"

I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out.I was thrown this was the last thing I thought Steve wanted to talk to me about. I was trying to process what he had said. How do I respond to this? Thank you? Okay? 

"Oh .. Right.. Shall I leave now?" is all I could muster.

" I think that would be best. Please just had your laptop and phone into IT. I will let the rest of team know. But I will probably see you soon anyway I believe I am meeting up with your parents in the next few weeks. I am really sorry it had to end like this."

I rise from my chair still in a slight daze and shock and pack my things and head for the door. 

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