heliocentric║greek mythology

nine

I wake up with a smile on my face, but it's quick to fade when I realize that the sheets are rubbing against my bare body.

How can I be this stupid?

I want to bury my face in my hands, but there's no time for that. Quickly pulling on my clothes, I take a glance at Phoebus's sleeping form. He really does look like an angel with the wings and the golden halo of hair. He's always been a heavy sleeper and today, that will be his demise. Like it was three years ago.

I stride into the living room. I don't plan to leave indefinitely like last time, but I do need a bit of time to process the self loathing and decide what I'm going to do next because I cannot continue on like this. Living like a plaything of a god is not an option, no matter what he's done for me in the past.

I should've realized it long ago, but every time he looks at me, all I feel like is a plaything to be used however he wants. Have I really ever even told him no?

Glancing at my reflection, I bite back a groan when I see the hickeys that dot my neck and collarbone and I bet if I were to pull down the neckline of my shirt, I would see more. As it stands, I just mutter a few choice words under my breath and pull on a hoodie.

Just as my hand grasps the doorknob, a voice behind me says, "Where do you think you're going?"

I slowly turn to meet his furious expression. He's put on his clothes, with is good because his silhouette with the wings is much more imposing than what I'm seeing now.

He stalks over to me so we're almost chest to chest with my back pressed against the door, effectively caging me. I feel so small as I look up at him, but we both know that he would never hurt me.

"Out," I say meekly.

"After what happened last time, did you really think I would trust you to stay?"

"I don't need your permission to leave my own home. I'm not little figurine you can put on a map and expect to stay there until you decide to move it." Nonetheless, I don't open the door and leave. I'm tired of being a coward, tired of running.

His expression softens infinitesimally. "That's not what I meant. I just...I just want to know why you always run the morning after. Is sleeping with me really that bad?"

My eyes widen as I realize that he's taken my departure as a failure on his part to give me a reason to stay. A small voice in the back of my mind asks if it would be easier to just let him believe that because if he leaves, I don't have to face the feelings.

So in true Adeline fashion, I don't say anything and watch as the emotions flit across his face. Annoyance, confusion, vulnerability. He really is an open book.

He runs a hand through his hair in frustration. "Look, Adeline. Just tell me this one thing and I'll leave you forever if that's what you want. I won't ever bother you again."

He called me Adeline.

He's never called me Adeline, from the moment we met. Always El.

"I need to know if you said what I think you said last night. Because the things you say really conflict with the way you act. You tell me I'm the closest thing you've ever had to home and then you leave. You tell me that I make you feel safe and then you disappear without telling me why. You toy with my feelings by telling me you love me but then you leave and everything just comes back to you leaving, doesn't it?"

I finally snap. "I'm sick of playing this charade. You want to know why I left? I was sick of playing the charade back then and I'm sick of it now."