Haven [Sons of Anarchy]

Chapter Ten

Hanna hardly registered the knock on the door. She stared at the ceiling hypnotized by the shadow of the fan spinning. "Han?" Juice called. She could hear in his voice how worried he was. She wanted to get up and unlock the door. Let him inside and tell him she was okay. But nothing was okay. And she was trapped inside her own body, with limbs that felt like leaden paperweights.

"Tara asked about you," Juice said after a moment.

"I texted her," Hanna told him, her voice barely loud enough to hear from the hallway. It was quiet for a moment, her first words in hours shocking him into silence.

"You want me to take you down to the club?" He asked. "Might be good to be with the other girls."

Good for whom? Hanna wanted to ask. She couldn't answer their questions, couldn't listen to them try and commiserate with her. They hadn't been there, they couldn't understand. "No," she said, her voice cracking. "I need to be alone."

The silence dragged out, and Hanna began to think Juice had left. "You sure?"

"I need to think."

The door creaked, and she knew he was leaning against it. Hanna's stomach clenched as the tears she thought she was done with bubbled back up. "I love you, Han."

"I know," she murmured.

"I'll pick you up later," he told her. "For the wake."

⟡ ⟡ ⟡

Hanna still wasn't sure how she'd managed to pull herself together long enough to get ready for the wake. But here she was, at the funeral home, dressed in black with a full face of makeup she didn't intend on crying off. She was done with that. Feelings were a necessary precursor for tears, and all Hanna felt was numb.

"You alright, Han?" Juice asked again. She nodded. "We can go home if you want, I just have to make an appearance." Hanna shook her head. She couldn't leave, not without seeing the casket. Maybe seeing Half Sack at peace would finally get the bloody image out of her head.

"Hanna!" She turned to locate the source of the voice. David Hale jogged across the street. Last time she'd seem him she'd been giving her statement. The time before that had been about Tristen's rape.

"Seems like we only ever see each other when something terrible happens," Hanna noted. She'd meant for the words to come out sarcastic, but her tone lacked all feeling instead. He opened his arms to hug her and she let him, more to appease him than to seek real comfort for herself. They'd been friends once, before her chaotic summers with SAMCRO, but that was a long time ago.

"How're you holding up?" He asked, rubbing her shoulders as if they'd stayed close. She just shrugged. David looked over her shoulder at Juice, she didn't see Juice's expression but David sighed. "Alright, well, take care of yourself, Han. Alright?"

She forced a smile that felt more like a grimace and nodded as he walked away. "Let's go inside."

Hanna and Juice walked toward the building. Clay and most of the guys were gathered in the entryway. Before she could say anything, Clay pulled her into a big hug. "Good to see you on your feet, kiddo."

"I'll be good," she muttered. He patted her on the back, though he didn't look convinced. "Tig with Gemma?"

"Yeah, they're laying low. She'll be good. We decided not to tell her about Abel, in case she calls you." Hanna nodded. Gemma had enough to deal with without knowing her grandson was kidnapped.

Hanna took Juice's hand and let him lead her inside. Bobby and Chibs patted her on the back as she passed.

She thought she was prepared for the mourners. The Crow Eaters who probably knew Half Sack better than she did, who were genuinely hurting at his death. Maybe one of them would have become his old lady one day. But they hadn't been there, and she cringed away when they tried to connect with her. They hadn't been the ones watching while Cameron killed him. They hadn't been the ones who couldn't do anything about it.