This is All That I Can Say

Song Used: 그리고 남겨진 것들 (The Day Before) - NELL

처음엔 많이도 힘들었지
It was difficult at first, more than I will admit

인정할 수 없이 괴로웠지
It was burdensome

하지만 받아들이고 나니
But since I've accepted it,

이젠 그게 너무 슬픈거지

Now, it just makes me too sorrowful

My hands trembled as I read the texts that were being sent to me. They were like arrows of realization hitting deep within me from all angles. All that I had managed to forget in all these years was all that was being brought back.

I didn't know what to say back to the curious texts I was receiving as I tried not to let the overwhelming sadness take over me. My sister was just across from me, on the bed, being the usual lazy person, she was.

While I was there, just like I had always been, attached to the laptop, working on a project with nothing but these songs playing in my ears.

But even those had been tuned out as my concentration was solely on the blinking screen of my phone.

With trembling fingers, I doused a little of his curiosity by beginning my story. A story I had never mentioned to anyone before. A story that I was sure I would take to my grave, but then again, it was a story which was not just that. It was an occurrence, a regret that painted the empty walls of my heart. And no matter how hard I had tried to paint this regret with some other color, it still remained under all those re-coats and plasters.

So, I just began from the very start. They very beginning.

"You know how I was born in a Muslim family. A happy family with people I adored more than anything. A family, I could never leave behind even if they did things I didn't like at times."

"Yeah, yeah, you speak too much about your family, man."

I smiled slightly as I subtly nodded my head. I did mention my family a lot to him, but it was because they mattered most to me.

"Well, they always wanted me and my sisters to succeed, to get good grades, to be better students. But, somehow, I could just never be good enough. So, they hired us a tutor."

I waited for a reply as I read the typing... written next to his name on the phone screen.

"Oh, man, parents always just want to see their kids get good grades. It's pretty shitty sometimes."

"Lol, you don't get to say that, you topper!"

My lips widened a little as I typed out an answer to him, before I continued on.

"Well, the tutor they had hired taught me and my younger sister about the basic subjects. You know, maths, English, science and shit."

"Yeah, yeah, I know what the basic subjects are, lol."

"This was around the time when I was in eighth grade, and well, that tutor did a bad job."

"What to even expect, man, lol."

"That was also around the time when I was discovering my sexuality and all that, you know, I told you about it too. How I had a huge crush on that pretty girl from my class."