It has been two years now since Lukas vanished. His husband, Ethan has tried everything in his might to eventually find him back. Time has passed and Lukas is still missing. Unable to let go of the past, Ethan is having a hard time rebuilding his li...
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
Everything is a blur. It seems so far away now, even the shapes of your face are fading away. The sound of your voice is still resonating inside my head, soft and hoarse at the same time. It is invading my very soul. The sad part is where I need to realise and accept the fact that I won't be able to hear that voice ever again... I still wonder how it all happened and where you are today. What are you thinking about? Do you even miss me, like I miss you? Are you living a nice and peaceful life or are you not even part of this world anymore? ... You used to be there for me at all times, we even vowed to stand by each other in good and bad times, till death do us part, remember? Did death take you away from me or did you leave on your own and forget all that we were? Even if that might be true, even if you wanted to leave me behind, you could have told me you didn't love me anymore - right? You could have explained what I was doing wrong or what was going on in your mind. Maybe I could have helped you in some way. At least I would have had a reason to move on with my life. It would have been easier to accept your absence every day. We could have gone our separate ways, understanding each other and accepting that maybe we weren't meant to be after all.
Like every single day now, for two long years, I picked up the daily newspaper lying in my mailbox, flicked the pages without really looking at them until I reached the section listing up all the planned funerals for the coming five days. I read through the names while I was stirring my coffee with a distracted movement. A relieved sigh escaped my lips when I reached the end of the list. The name I was looking for wasn't there today either. Somehow I knew it didn't mean much anymore after two years, but I simply never abandoned the habit of searching for a sign.The list only concerned the local deaths and the chances his name would be in it were pretty much impossible. It just brought me a fling of hope that he might be out there somewhere, still alive and well. My life has been monotone and boring since he left, how am I supposed to live on without my other half by my side? I wonder... I threw away the journal and went on with my daily routine, a quick shower, put on some random clothes and finally sitting down at my desk, staring at my laptop displaying a blank page. Writing had been my passion and my job, but the inspiration never came back to me. The pages stayed empty and my managing editor was starting to get really annoyed with my lack of spirit. I used to be a good author, writing exciting love stories. My imagination used to be limitless. All of it had disappeared into thin air now. I exhaled deeply while closing my laptop, it was no use to keep on trying anymore. I hadn't written anything new in two years. it surely won't magically change today. Nothing was popping into my mind except all these hurtful feelings. It wasn't even midday and I was desperately exhausted. Nothing was really interesting anymore to keep away the dark thoughts. Sleeping wasn't a solution either, nightmares would populate my once sweet dreams and I would wake up shaking and feeling dreadful, making everything worse. I had developed severe insomnia and the blackened skin around my eyes spoke volumes. After a long pause thinking about what I could possibly do, I finally decided to turn on the television and started browsing through the available movies in my library. Half of them I knew by heart, the other half never really piqued my interest. An hour passed by without me realising it and I still hadn't picked a movie in the list. Another sigh blown in the duffed air of my room. I wanted nothing, I enjoyed nothing. It's been a fact now for a while,I wasn't denying it anymore, I was depressed and I was incapable of changing that on my own. I simply didn't have the strength to make any effort, may it be smiling or trying to fake happiness.
