This is not the Endgame

Knock me down, it's all in vain, I'll get right back on my feet again

Steve looked up. "Peggy," he said on a sigh. "She was lovely, made sure I knew she was available to me from the start. At first I liked being with her. It was romantic, I brought her flowers, she made dinner. I learned how to dance. I like the romance part, the candles, dinner, flowers, little tokens. My sad attempts at flirting. Ways of building a relationship that was more to me than just friendship. But the sex wasn't what I was expecting. It just wasn't as good--as important-- as I always thought it would be. As bonding. That was another frustration for Peg, that I wasn't into the sex. It didn't take much to pull me out of the moment. We fought about it. She accused me of preferring you, that I wanted to be with you sexually, as a reason for being so insistent that we recover you, but I realized that I didn't want sex with a man either. It was impossible to research then, but I'd remembered that in the last Pride parade I'd attended as an ally, I'd heard something about asexuals on the continuum of sexualities. There wasn't any research that I could access. But the more I thought about it, the more right it felt."

"Huh," Bucky said. He pulled out his smartphone and did a search. Steve waited patiently as Bucky read.

"Ok," Bucky said. His quick mind had made the connections. Steve had always wanted to be normal, to have what other guys had, and he'd apparently never questioned his sexuality. Growing up, they'd never thought that they might be anything but straight. And he'd had no real experience prior to Peggy. A kiss here and there, that was all. Explained a lot.

"Society has always said that being in a heterosexual relationship, having kids, was what everybody should have, that it's the most important thing in life," Steve said quietly. "Alternatives are viewed as wrong, other relationships not as important. A participation trophy for losers who don't achieve the ideal. But me, I experience love. I liked the romance--listening, discovering, being present, making someone happy. Making connections. Having special moments.  My relationships with others--like you--are intense and emotional. They're just not sexual. It's taken me a long time to figure that out, to see what exists in me beyond the messages that our culture sends. I feel kind of like a freak again--or maybe still--but at least I know what kind of a freak I am."

"You're not a freak, Steve, you're just you," Bucky said, a trifle wearily. This had been their refrain over almost twenty years. Before the war.

"Well, what I am is apparently a confirmed bachelor. I came back because I know now that this is where my family is, even if it's unconventional, even it it's not what I'm supposed to want. And you're at the heart of it, Buck. You always were. I'm sorry we fought. I'm sorry that I left you."

"So what do you want?" Bucky asked warily.

"I feel like I don't really fit anywhere. A square peg in a series of round holes. But I think it will be easier to find a place to fit in in this time. Make a hole to fit myself in." Bucky couldn't help grinning, it sounded sexual. Steve saw and swatted him. "Find something to do that I like, that I'm good at, where I don't have to run through walls, be shot or stabbed, beat people up or be beaten up. Find friends. Make amends. Have my life the way I want it. I can still make a difference and serve without the shield."

Bucky lay there, letting the sun and his feelings run over him. Not speaking, seeing where he felt he stood first. His therapist was going to be pleased that he didn't just jump right or left. "Well, Stevie, I've got a lot of stuff to work through already. You'll have to take a number. But there's room for you in line." The corners of Steve's mouth quirked up.

"What's my position in line?" he asked. It did sound flirty, but not like a come-on.

"Well, working through my issues from my brainwashing and control is number one," he said quietly. "Getting myself straightened out is number two. Hydra's abuse wasn't just physical, psychological, emotional, it was, uh... sexual as well. I've been working on that really hard, because now there's Ava. She's not stupid or heedless, we're going slow, I'm feeling really safe with her. Then I have to figure out what I want to do if I don't want to be an analyst. I want something normal, that I can leave at the office and go home to a real, fulfilling personal life. Then there's you." He snorted.