Cautious Love

Prologue : the end of innocence

   Now before you begin reading I must warn you the main character of this tale is not someone you will like, I am not someone you will like or at least I wasn't . I am no hero why I would hardy call myself a good person any given day. so whatever your reason for reading this story be it out of boredom or a school assignment  i pity you as this story was never meant to be one with a happy ending.

   It was the summer of 2016 I was fifteen at the time and just had started my first job working at an amusement park up till that point i had little experience with the outside world and was far too eager to explore it all. I made many friends including several I shouldn't have, I got my first girlfriend as well and regrettably we moved too far too fast though we both retained our virginity. It wasn't until my second year working there that I really changed from the sweet kid I was to a massive douche and fuck boy. All the friends i had were into drugs and smoking being bad influences on my choices thankfully I didn't get into any of that myself however I did start dating multiple girls at once and cheating on them all. I came to the conclusion i was worthless unless in a relationship, I grew to fear being alone. In the summer of 2017 I met a girl named Sam and that relationship lasted only a few days but in those few days I lost my virginity to her and with that the last of my innocence was lost too. From then on i only got worse dating five or even six girls in a single week getting laid whenever and with whoever.

   I stopped caring about what i did or who I hung out with. My previously spotless work attendance and ethic took a hit getting me fired a day before Halloween. I ruined my relationship with my family rebelling and getting in fights and running away several times. With no job and no school I ended up isolating myself for months on end which lead me to act out more and destabilize my mental health even further. I pushed everyone away thinking I could take on the world alone, I was wrong. I took to this new life like a pirate takes to gold, selfishly and with no concern as to whom I hurt along the way. Time wore on and as months dragged by i became more and more complacent and uncaring claiming i was working on and bettering myself. As long as i was claiming to get better no one could get mad and say I'm getting worse. Girlfriends came and went like money to me but after a particularly bad relationship ended and opened my eyes to the monster id become i began working on myself in earnest. I was far gone I was beyond broken i wasn't just broken because of who id become and what I had done but because id believed myself to be broken. I didn't know how to be alone so I rushed into a relationship with a childhood crush named Mallory thinking that would fix me, to date someone I knew back when i was a good person. Once more I was wrong I only broke myself further by trying to be her perfect boyfriend rather than my perfect self. So begins my tale of pain and misery not so much the pain and misery done unto me but of that I caused others, This is not the tale of a hero but of someone with innocence lost and desperately hoping to regain.