Mr. Brightside

Red

Gil's POV (TRIGGER WARNING)
~
Please if you harm yourself  or want to harm yourself seek help by calling or texting the crisis hotline or chatting through their website. I'm being explicit for the sake of story telling but don't use it as encouragement. It's based off of my own experiences and I don't believe you should follow what is said or done here. I am not here to cater either. It's your choice to read this, tread carefully if you're recovering or are hurting yourself.
~

It's a grind to hate one's self as harshly as I hate myself. All that energy waste makes me so tired. Truth be told, I'm exhausted. I'm a bad person. I hurt the people around me. It's all wasted thoughts, though. I don't have to State the things I already know. I can't let myself forget it either. I'm stuck on such an annoyingly infinite loop. I'm sick of it.

It's a loop in every aspect too. Fight, make up, peace, fuck it up with my emotions, repeat. It sucks to let down Matt. It sucks to let down anyone. I'm just so fucking confused right now. I don't think being around him is a good idea. He's become more a drug I've been using to avoid putting together anything in my head. I don't want to use him like that. I don't want to hurt him like that either. I'm just looping.

I don't know what I want anymore. The complexities of my situation aren't going to be fixed my meaningless sex nor is it cutting myself. I'm perpetuating my own downfall.

In other news, Toni decided that 3am would be perfect for some tea. I watched as he poured the hot water into the pot, slowly making it's way though the strainer. The water turned red. That's what it would look like if it hit my skin. My god, how insufferable the pain would be as it seeped into my healing scars. I'd melt like a candle.

"How's Matthew?" Of all the conversation to start with, it had to be that. I pushed down a sigh.

"He's pretty alright." Liar. Toni doesn't need to know, though. It's my own issue, not his. All he'll do is try to fix it and screw it up more. I'm on a set path anyway.

"How's Rod?"

That bastard. "He's different." I shrugged.

"Still a snob?"

"Just a whiny bitch now."

"Ah, I'm glad he's toned it down." Toni turned to smile at me as he put the kettle away.

"Yeah, me too." My phone buzzed to life. A message from Matt that I couldn't be bothered to look at.

"How are you, Gil?" Toni sat down opposite to me at the table as he set down the tea pot and two mugs.

"I'm tired."

"Why?"

"It's two in the morning."

"That's fair." Toni chuckled. "I don't know why I was expecting some grand breakdown out of you." I think I've honestly grown out of those. It is it even possible to grow out of something like that? Mental breakdowns are just emotional outbursts much like a trantrum. Maybe it is possible. Point is, I'm stuck between this void and being overly emotional. I'm like a teen girl on her period. It's fucking annoying. However, emotional outbursts aren't in my future, I'm sure about that. Harming myself is but that's different.

"I think you're losing it."

"I sure feel like I am."

"I think you just work too much."

"Find me a job where I don't have to work."

"Be a sugar baby."

"Honestly," Toni grabbed the pot and poured himself tea. The red liquid spilling out reminded me of way too many things. "I've thought about it and I'm not cute enough to do it."

"I guess you're right." I shrugged. "I think it's because you're too tall because you sure do have the personality of one."

"Just because I like emoticons doesn't mean I'm sugar baby material."

"We can agree to disagree."

"God, you're so annoying."

"Right back at you, buddy."

Toni set the pot down, "You know," He sighed. "I–uh–I talked to Francis earlier."

"How was he?" My attention was truly roused now. I really hadn't heard from Francis in a long while.

"He was way better than he was way before." He gave a weak smile. "He wouldn't stop crying, though." His smile fell. "He wouldn't stop talking about how he wasn't good enough for them."

"I'm not surprised but I don't like that either."

"Yeah, I told him what I could like how it'll get easier but I never wanted to hug him more in my life."

"We really should go visit him." I slid the pot towards myself. "I think he needs it."

"Desperately." I poured myself enough to fill half the mug.

"You know, I hate to ask but why do you have the need for tea at two in the morning?"

"Why are you awake at two in the morning?" He smirked. I was quick to understand that we both had our secrets. He was never pushy for information. Instantly, I became more aware of every single scar on my body even the faded ones. I felt itchy. Like bugs were crawling all over my body.

"Fair enough." A beat of silence that was much too long for me to be comfortable. Not when I was like this.

"Look, I don't mean to be pushy or anything like that. You don't even have to answer my question." His grip tightened around his red mug. "What were you and Matthew fighting about last night? I heard it before I left and it sounded pretty serious." I felt like I was in a video game picking options to respond with. A half truth would be best. Maybe he can give me some advice on this.

"I think..." How should I word it? "I don't think it's working out with him, honestly."

"Is he too much or not enough?"

"No, it's more complicated than that." I sighed. "I'm torn by him. It doesn't feel right to be dating him but at the same time it does. I think I'm just scared to let him go." The image of Matt's eyes and the adorable way they look at me flashed my brain. Instantly, my throat clogged up with guilt. "We don't really fight but we don't really get along either. Not anymore."

"I think it's because you're not ready for a relationship." Toni sipped his tea.

"You think so?"

The mug hit the table with a small thud. "I didn't want to say anything because it seemed like it was going well for you but you just moved to a completely new country only a year off of a suicide attempt. You've barely given yourself time to breathe."

"I really can't argue with that honestly." I looked down at my mug in shame.

"Yeah, so, I recommend you break it off now because you have to give yourself some kind of break. Maybe in the future it would work out but not now." He had a good point. I need to get my shit together and it won't work at this rate. He's causing me more stress than the I need. "Now, the only question is how and when." I saw the slightest bit of my reflection in the tea. How and when was a good question. So many of the things we did flashed in my mind all at once.

I felt a tear form and quickly drop down my cheek. I wasn't heartbroken by the fact that I had to break it off with Matt. I was prematurely missing him already. I really wish I wasn't me right now. Hurting someone for my own benefit was the worst possible choice to me. It was probably for the best.

I hope.