It feels like it has been forever. It's been so long yet the past is as clear as crystal. The pain is not easy to let go, it's so difficult to forget one bit of a moment that became a memory. A sad, beautiful, tragic memory.
Ansel was extraordinary, he was unique yet what made him similar to all the other men I've met was the fact that he left. My father and my brother was the first two men who broke my heart. And now, I am adding Ansel's name on the list.
I clutched my chest when a memory flashed in my mind.
"If only I could just hug you and get off this bloody hospital bed, I would do it for an eternity," Ansel said with his weak, low voice.
"Just rest, love. I'll do it for you instead," I said and he smiled upon my words.
Even the way he smiles, it's weak. You can see that he's frail, fragile, and tired. He looks like he could not bare living just one more day. His cancer is slowly taking his whole body and he's just probably waiting for death to come knocking his door.
"I would really love that. Will you still be hugging me when I'm already inside a coffin?" he chuckled. I faked a smile. What a somber joke from someone who is literally dying.
"I may not be able to hug you or touch you that way, but I promise you, these feelings are unforgettable enough to stay." I smiled through my tears as I said those words.
"You know you can't do that, Trisha. I want you to live your life even when I'm gone," he whispered.
"I can't, Ansel," I admitted while I tried to stifle my sobs by covering my mouth with my hands.
"You have to. Baby, I want you to promise me that you'll continue living your life. I don't want you to waste many opportunities because of me," he wiped my tears using his thumb.
"You need to move on but that doesn't mean that you have to forget me. Treasure our memories together, Trisha. I want you to be happy. Promise me that you'll be happy even when I'm not around anymore. Find your happiness. You can fall in love again," he said. I can hear the sadness and pain in his voice.
"No. I don't think I can love another person after you," I shook my head.
"I don't want to die. I don't wanna leave you. But you know I can't stay even though I want to. I won't be okay unless you promise me that you'll be happy."
My heart broke as he said those words. Why do I feel like this is gonna be the last time I'll be hearing his voice? Is he saying his goodbye already?
"Baby, please. Promise me that you'll find someone new," he help my hands and brought it to his lips. He caressed my knuckles after kissing them.
Contrary to what I want, I nodded just to assure him. "I'll find my happiness, Ansel. I can't promise you that I'm gonna do it immediately," he smiled. Tears started flowing from his eyes and I couldn't help but cry along with him.
"I love you so much, Trisha. I wish I could spend another day with you"
"I love you, too," I answered wholeheartedly.
"I'm sorry, baby," as soon as he said those words, the machine beside him started beeping loudly.
I was panicking when I ran outside his room to ask for help. Two nurses and a doctor immediately headed to his room. When I went back, I can see the doctor reviving him.
I was sobbing hardly while I looked at him. "Don't leave me, Ansel. Please. I'm not ready to let go of you yet," I pleaded.
But I know that all my pleas were unheard because minutes after, his heart has already flatlined and the doctor announced the time of his death. Just like that, he left.
I wiped the lone tear that escaped my eyes. I still haven't fulfilled my promise to him yet. How can I? When every time I try to date someone, it'll only remind me of him. The pain is still there and I'm afraid that it will never subside.
I am still grieving over a lost love. Our story was beautiful, but it was also sad and tragic. And just like him, I wish that I could spend another day with him.
