despairing hope (yan sim au)

part 14 - truth

Shiromi p.o.v

I sigh, and let aoi escort me back home, tempted to jump into a truck or something. She holds my arm, making sure I don't walk into the road, and I refuse to fight back, knowing it's pointless.

We make it back home, and she makes me go in first. I walk in, and stand there, unsure of where to go. She walks in and closes the door, keeping the keys on her at all times.

“Sit.” She orders, pointing to the sofa, ad she goes into the kitchen, with my scarf still on, her voice cold. I jolt, with the sudden lack of emotion, but do as asked and and almost fall Into the sofa itself.

I stare at the wall, where a TV used to be, until I had to sell it, and aoi refuses to get a new one. I get comfortable, with my teddy in my hand still. I squeeze it, and hold it like a lifeline.

I hear aoi walking around, and going upstairs, probably to clean my room, after I'm not allowed to use the bleach. I sigh, feeling like a three year old.

“Dont do that, do use this, I'm confiscating this.” I mimic, and look at the stairs, annoyed.

After about half a hour, she finally walks into the living room, with a bento. I sigh and look away, knowing it's for me. She sits down, and hands it to me, I ignore it, and she puts in on my lap.

“You need to eat.” She says, her voice still cold. I don't say anything, and she sighs. I stand up, and put the bento on the sofa, she looks at me confused, and I start to walk away.

I go upstairs, and into my room, making sure I don't close it fully this time. I place my panda on my bed and change into something more comfortable.

I finsh, wearing a white t shirt, with grey combat trousers, which I'd thought I'd never wear, but here I am, wearing them. I put on some black trainers, and sit down onto my bed, after hearing aoi walk upstairs.

I stiffen up, thinking she's going to force me, to eat something. I slow my breathing down as she comes in, although I'm terrified

She has the bento still, and she walks to the bed. I sit there, flinching as she sits down. She notices my movements and looks away, upset.

She puts the bento on the draws and sits there, looking at her hands, that are on her lap.

I sit there, still terrified, but curious at the same time. “Are you ok?” I ask, ignoring my emotions, knowing she's not OK, I've never seen her like this, an I'm worried.

She says nothing, and looks away, I pause, and look at her, as she shakes slightly. My worry kicks into overdrive, knowing she's hiding something.

“ Don't. “ I say, knowing what it feels like, to be hiding secrets, knowing she doesn't know about my mother. She pauses, and turns around, her face wet with tears. I stop, a pang of sadness and guilt hit me.

“I thought I lost you, I - I didnt want to lose anyone else, not again.” She says shakes. I hesitate, unsure of how to take this, not even able of understanding my emotions.

“I could have done something, but I didn't, I was foolish, like always, ignoring others around me, only caring about my state.” She mumbles. I sit there, as I see her arms underneath her grey jumper. I  roll the sleeves up, and see words.

‘excuse’ ‘mistake’ the words go on, and on. I pause, noticing that some of these are fresh. She sighs and looks away. I stop her, and hold her face, she looks at me confused, and I sigh, “tell me, and I'll tell you.” I say, hoping she'd open up.

She pauses, but gives In and nods.

“My father did use me as a escape from reality, that my mother died. He used to assault me, saying I was just like her, a pityful whore. He trained me to be emotionless and have no care for anyone else. But, I did care, I had friends, and I payed for it, he branded me with these, and told me to constantly keep them fresh, so everyone will know how much of a excuse I was.” She says, breaking down.

I sit there, upset, unsure of what to do. She rolls her sleeves and hides her arms again. I shuffle closer, and she flinches. I rest my head on her shoulder. She looks at me, still upset. I sigh, and hold her arm. She snickers, and holds my face with her free hand.

“Thank you, you don't have to pretend.” I say, and she smiles, pauses. “Can you tell me now?” She asks, looking at my arms.

I sigh, and get up, she holds my hand, startling me. “Please.” She whispers, looking straight at me, scared. I look away, and hesitate, I don't want to, so badly, but, something says too.

“Before I killed my mother, megami had pulled me over after a meeting, she yelled at me, as I got into infos room, she went crazy, believing I was siding with the enemy, to which I wasnt at the time, beside she threw me against a bookshelf, and threatened to attack me everyday I don't say anything about them, and I was terrified. Anyway, I got home, and my mother started yelling, which she had never done before, she said I was being stupid, trying to attack megami, to which I didn't. After that happened, my mother started to become stricter, and to add on the fact that megami was attacking me after every meeting, I slowly started losing a will to live, feeling like a ragdoll for everyone.” I pause, not wanting to say anything else.

“The attacks started to become more frequent, to which she started getting the bullies involved, I was already anorexic, and they used it as a leverage. I started to brand myself, being the only way to remove the pain, but instead it felt like I should do it, because I don't deserve happiness.

When I killed my mother, I knew I shouldn't live, at all, after taking a life that gave me a life. I tried in so many ways, but everyone failed. When you started to get involved, I knew I needed to go, after getting others worried about me, to which nobody should, I don't deserve anyone.” I finish, and curl up, wishing she'd go, and forget about me.

She just sits there, probably feeling stupid about caring for me. She suddenly moves, and hugs me. Her whimpers echo in my head. I can't see anything, and I uncurl myself, to which she hugs tighter.

I sit there, regretting everything. Why did she pick me? She could have had anyone, anyone who could be for her, help her, let her see she can be so much more, not someone who can't even sleep, without having nightmares about their mother coming back.

We sit like that for what seems like ages, although it's probably two or three minutes. Suddenly her phone buzzes, making her let go. I sit beside her, looking at her phone screen.

She goes to her messages, and sees its from info. I pause, knowing she'd never text anyone outside of school.

But this is different, her tone in the message is scared. I look at aoi, who sits there, her sadness dissolves into nothing, and she pauses. “I'll be right back.” She says, and stands up. I sit there, knowing I can't be of help.

She walks out the room, still wearing my scarf, leaving me alone, with my thoughts.