𝙡𝙞𝙚𝙨

=

' Dear Donghyuck,

You're probably wondering why I did this, but please forgive me. I think you've noticed for the past few months or so, that there's something wrong with me. Every time we talk to each other, I can see the worry in your eyes. I saw how you would sometimes stare at my wrists, or the bruises on my body, but you never tried to ask me uncomfortable questions about them.

At the beginning of our so-called "friendship," you believed every word I said about myself. But after a few months, you saw how I was lying to you. I could see it in your eyes. You started acting like as if I were fragile.

When I was younger, my mother would always say mean things to my father. Then, she started physically abusing him. Because I was so young, I didn't know what to do. I didn't even know what abuse was.

When I was about eight years old, my father took me out to play in the playground. It was the first time I climbed across the monkey bar all by myself, so of course, I got excited. I called for my father, ready to show him my amazing monkey bar skills. I looked over to him, but instead of seeing him clap for me like he always did, I saw him in the car staring off at the lake.

I called for him again, but this time, he turned on the engines and slowly drove into the lake. I stared in shock as the car sunk lower into the lake, not knowing what to do. I just stood there until a family came and called the police.

I basically saw my own father kill himself as an eight year old.

my mother started blaming me for his death too, which didn't make anything better. She changed a lot as I was growing up. Had a few boyfriends, took drugs, got arrested. Y'know, the basics of a bad mother. I wanted to basically end it all.

But with revenge, of course.

I don't really know how to phrase this without it sounding weird, but yeah, I basically stabbed my mother. Watching the blood ooze out of her body was the best view I've ever seen. Hearing her cries for help was also pretty pathetic, if you ask me. But most importantly, knowing she's gone was the best feeling of all. I don't have to be afraid of going to my own house, or feel paranoid all the time anymore. I can now live freely.

Too bad I can't live on anymore.

I'm sorry for what I'm going to do, Donghyuck-ah. Hope you can forget about me at some point. Hopefully. Please be okay.

I used to believe my life was tragic. But now I realize, it's pathetic.

-mark(ie) '