How I Met Them! 24th of September

Chapter One: How can I start?

Everyone at least once gets lost in the middle of the walk, we try to go back or we get lost even more than we were. While we are growing up they taught to follow life by always doing what is right, but of course, it is not always like that, because we are subject to failure in anything. When we are children, we make mistakes several times just to learn the simple and basics apprenticeship of what life would be like.

For many years I could say that I had a reasonably calm and quiet life, you know, without any problems with my parents, relations outside the intimate circle of friends or people that we talk on the streets. Everything was perfect!

I was always the middle of attention, living a fantasy that the world was controlled by me because at that time I used to think that I had the reins that pointed which way I would or wanted to go, with no rules, and without the word "no". Yes, I know, I was a fool and of course, that time has to come to an end. I was a child after all, and all the children at some time have to grow up and open their eyes to the bad world.

And my time comes... with my twelve years, in the summer of 2011, when my parents had a big fight and it was horrible. They were so angry, that they did not see how I was, of course, they just forget that with they forced a little bit more to be together for me, they could be the parents that I needed. But, somehow no one of us was thinking clearly. I was with so many dreams and plans for my future that I said to myself that what happened was the destiny hands doing what was right, not just to me, but for my mother too, she was suffering because of my dad, blaming herself for not be a good wife for him... and that it was not the truth, she just think what we though when things go wrong, we are good to think that what happens with other people are our faulted.

After some days, maybe a week, my father took his things and passed the door to the outside of the house. I was in my bedroom crying because I wasn't very glad for them. Maybe within I want to do something and stop him to go away to someplace far from our home. However it could be I did not do anything, I just see my father getting in the car driving to somewhere I could not go yet.

He goes and during one year he did not come back to us or said apologize, and when I heard about them, guess what! My mom said that he had suffered an accident because he was drunk and he dies after going to the hospital in a city near ours. I stopped listening to her after she started telling me that my father could not come back, because there would be no way this could happen. I stopped in time, my heart was racing, wanted to jump out of my chest, I started to sound a lot for some time. While I just stared at my mother's feet, petrified feeling sick. And them I put everything out. All the lunch that I had on that day. Now, I realize that day I realized that some parents can be cruel and just think of themselves and that the rest, well, they don't care at all.

My father left us, left us alone, with regrets a wailing. The funeral. I still remember clearly, was the worst part for me, because in the end I could not even say goodbye properly because he took it from me. I cried like a baby with pain. I just felt remorse for everything I did not do to be with him for one more time to keep in touch, to tell him what I did and what I want to be, after all, he was my father and could not have done what he did. No parent exists to hurt their children, so, why did he do it? Was not he strong enough to face his demons and come back to me? Or did he simply find it better to move away so as not to hurt me? The problem is, I'll never know ... and I cried so much because I did not know the explanation. If I knew it, I could forgive him for what he did and move on knowing that given the circumstances his decision was the better choice for both of us, and said goodbye asking him not to worry about me, cause I will survive... I am his daughter, and I strong enough to lift as often as necessary.

Meanwhile, I did not know what I was expecting, because I was not prepared, I was broken, part of me was lost and I could not go without it. So I start to thinking, How can I go on? How can I start? I did not found the solution, but my mom, she comes to me in my room after the funeral and said with a big forced smile:

- Beatrice, we are going to move!

For some reason, I looked at the mirror and when I saw thought my face I saw my father nose and his green eyes on me. My mom left my room after she puts a book on my desk, and I go out of my bed and wiped my tears. I started to think that maybe I already found a way to move on, so I guess that now, me and my mom just needed a new place to start over, and this time I can bring my father with me, I just have to look at the mirror and remind about the good things he did for me, like when he sang to me or when gave me my favorite book, on my tenth birthday.

In a way I could still be with him, I just found another way to get a safe haven, as long as I remembered him, to would not be hurt by my self.

What I am saying is that sometimes we want to pull over problems just forgetting to not feel the pain that hurt us and that is not the right way because there are problems that we can not jump ... we have to live with that because we are going to bring that problem or pain with us until we die, that is why we must stand up and keep going with all that makes us what we are.