Honestly, I do not know where to start... This year? Three years ago? I'm not sure why I'm doing this. I guess to vent? Help myself? I can barely understand what I am feeling, so maybe this'll help. I hear writing down your feelings is 'good'. Is it really? I have my suspicions. I do not typically keep up with journals, though I try my hardest. It's just difficult remembering what i did during the day and how I felt. I can barely remember to eat, because I'm so distracted by what HAS happened to me. I can not focus on what is happening right now until it hits me and im stuck there not understanding what to do.
Depression, it's a monster. It claws its way deep, deep inside and nests. Lays its seeds and eggs of doubt, until they hatch into demons. Demons you face every day. You wage war with, until... You become those demons. Or you overcome them. I've lost too many times to count. I can not seem to understand why happiness is so hard for me. Because of a chemical imbalance in my brain... Genetics? Or is it simply my experiences teaching me that maybe this world isn't what i thought it was going to be. Teaching me that this world is filled with monsters and demons. People who have lost their battles, or who are naturally corrupted and broken. I have no clue.
People say that if you talk about things you feel better. But with me? It makes me cry. It hurts, i hate crying. Thinking about the terrible things in my life i have been through. What i have lost, what i will lose. Everyone i have come to know will someday die. That one day i too will die, and im unsure of when that day will come. It doesn't seem fair. Not knowing when you'll die. On one hand it seems as though you'd be grateful. You could do everything you needed to. Or wanted. Have experiences. But on the other, it seems as if it'd cause a huge amount of anxiety. I'm just scared of what death really is.
Death for me is a weird subject. I'm afraid of it, yet so many times i have come face to face with it. Whether it be by accident or myself. I'm so afraid of it yet i am so god damn eager to meet it. I can not figure this out. My feelings are a toreent. A tempest. And i can not know which emotion to assess first before im drawn into another one. The only things to have pulled me out of this torrential downpour of depression is my boyfriend Jason. He brought light into my world... Then he moved. We are still together, but i wish he could hug me and comfort me like he used to.
He saved me from death. A lot. He saved me from myself. And i am grateful. He is my world. My love. My light, and i wouldnt have anyone else to share my life with. I try not to overwhelm him with my problems. Even though i dont typically, i just hate venting to him now ebcause im scared of saying too much. I guess i'll never be good enough for anyone.
Thanks for reading this journal... more to come soon.
Des
