Random Short Stories

Misunderstood, Not alone

It had been the scariest situation I have ever been through. Up until that point I had never experienced anything like this. It came out of nowhere and took complete control over my body and mind. It was as if I was trapped in the back of my own mind with no way of escaping. I couldn't see clearly, my ears were ringing, and I was frozen. Panicked at the thought of not being able to function properly enough to get out of the situation.

Ever since I was young, I have lived in a small town with few people. I attended a tiny school and never really went places with a lot of people. Adding to that, I was a shy, keep to myself kind of kid. You can probably imagine what it would be like for a person like me when suddenly thrown into a large crowd of people, whether I know them or not. It's like suffocating, being trapped in by the others around me yet at the same time feeling so alone.

Many people think of anxiety as being super nervous about an event that is happening or something to come in the future. That is not always true. Panic/Anxiety attacks can come in different forms. Sometimes it is a mental battle, while with others it shows physically. They can be quick and sudden, or drawn out, and built up over time. Mine has many triggers. Some of these include; being confronted by a form of authority, being in a large group of people, having to talk face to face or on the phone with anyone I'm not close with. It makes me feel lost, confused, misunderstood, and like I'm going to make a big mistake or ruin something. I have always felt so alone dealing with this. Until one of my more recent attacks.

"... and then you need to eliminate this exponent by..." The teacher pauses in her lecture when my hand goes into the air. Sighing heavily, knowing what I want she asks, "Can't you wait until class is over? You do this everyday at the same time." I know she is upset with me about this and I shake my head 'no'. My knee starts bouncing when I feel the rest of the class watching our exchange.

She asks if she can speak to me in the hallway. Knowing I have no choice, I follow. Outside of the room, she tells me that she is tired of me using the excuse of needing to use the restroom just to get out of class before the bell rings. She says I am to wait from now on and leave when everyone else does. I am sent back inside and it's not like I could argue with her about it. What would I say anyway? "Oh, teacher, I am messed up and I get panic attacks when I am around people?" I doubt that would go over well. She wouldn't understand. No one does.

The bell rings loudly, breaking me from my thoughts. I quickly stand and gather my things before following everyone else out the door. Entering the hallway, I see everyone walking to and from all directions. The hallway is packed and as I feel and hear my breathing grow fast and shallow, I know there is no escape. I am frozen, unable to move. My ears are ringing, vision blurred, and my heart is pounding so fast and hard that I'm sure it can be heard from the other side of the building. Despite my not being able to focus enough to see, I am certain that people are stopping to stare at the shaking, hyperventilating girl who is frozen like a statue in the middle of the hallway. The sharp ringing grows louder and higher pitched. I panic more knowing that I will have to see and have future classes with those witnessing this.

Suddenly, I am moving. Numb, I can hardly feel the grip of whoever is pulling me. Who are they? Where are they taking me!? Next thing I know, it's quiet. Then I hear a voice. Someone is talking quietly, distantly. I try to focus on it, to hear what it's saying.

"Listen to my voice." It says, "I need you to breath."

"Focus on me, Match my breathing." They keep repeating this but it's not working.

"We are going to try something else, ok?" The voice says, "I need you to open your eyes and find 4 things you can see. Can you do that for me?" I reply I force my eyes open. It is dark. I see my knees curled up against my chest, a shadowed face of the boy trying to help me calm down, the floor, and the wall beside us.

"Now try to find 3 things that you can feel. Ok?" Slowly, I am becoming more aware of my surroundings. I feel the cool floor under me, the warmth radiating off of him from where he is kneeling down next to me, and my hair brushing my face. I close my eyes again causing a single tear to make it's path down my cheek.

"There you go," He continues, "Almost there. Now, 2 things you can hear." I hear my breathing steady and a lone pair of footsteps from the hall. We sit there for a minute in silence before I finally lift my head and lean it against the wall behind me. All was quiet apart from the ticking of the analog clock on the wall above the door.

"I used to have panic attacks too." My head snaps to my right and I see the boy that calmed me down looking at me. "They were horrible."

"Used to?" I question him, curiously.

"They went away after I started playing and writing music." His smile is soft, "It's my outlet, I think of my music when I get anxious, sometimes I'll think up lyrics." He explained. Oh. "You should find and outlet too. It might help."

Today, as I sit on my bed at home and reminisce, I realize how far I've come in helping to control my anxiety rather than allowing it to control me. After that day, I realized that maybe I am not as alone as I had originally thought. I just needed people who could support me. My phone bleeps beside me and I glance down to see a text. I smile as I think of his words. "You should find an outlet too."

David: 'You still coming to rehearsals tonight? The play is next weekend.'