Loss

I think the hardest part of losing someone isn’t having to say goodbye, but rather learning to live without them. Always trying to fill that empty void, the emptiness that’s left inside your heart when they go.” (sd) . Loss, The fact/process of losing someone or something. Grief, A deep sorrow. Mourning, The expression of deep sorrow from someone who has passed. All these emotions every regret, this pain in your chest as hidden tears become undone in the process of fitting into that old black dress, or unused black suit tucked away in the back of the closet you’ve forgotten about. Sitting back down on your bed tying your shoes trying to grasp every event that has happened within the past three days, The actualization hits you like a bus Wow you're really gone. The words relentlessly on repeat like a broken record player stuck on the same song. A heavy-hearted realization begins to set in as if alcohol was being poured on an open wound, painful. Ready, you walk down the stairs into the room which once was filled with joy, the faint sounds of laughter and jokes still ringing in your head. Mother is standing close with a tear-stained face ruining the makeup be had on prior as she tries to stand strong although that barrier she is creating to hold back the tears won't hold for long. A silent car ride with occasional sniffles and choked outcries. The sweet aroma of the red and white roses within my arms become overwhelming. A heart-tugging arrival to a place where the deceased lay to rest, the look upon father's face blank and numb yet his eyes said Broken. After a brief pause, we exit the cars silent barrier. The sky, gray and dark as the storm begins to make its way toward the city. Death filled whispers surrounding as the cool breeze begins to set over. Hundreds of people buried around, all with stories that’ll never be told. Tombstones lying overhead as a promise to never be forgotten. In the distance, a crowd of relatives you never knew had, dressed in black the closer we approached larger the crowd grew. Looking at the roses in my arms that I cradle like a newborn infant I proceed with caution. The crowd becomes overwhelming as more people flow in. Hug and kisses are exchanged, many tears are shed as a wave of mournful cries arise. Silence once again as one last car pulls up. This car was unlike any other its trunk was extended to an abnormal length the back door swings open. Six men walk over the process was slow yet graceful the first two grabbed the bars in front the next pair set in and grab the back for stability and the last pair grabbed the middle for support, lifting it over there shoulders they begin to walk in a formation. They seemed as if they've become in sync from their feet movements to their very breath. They arrive at the hole of eternal darkness they lower it. The box that encloses the one that brought happiness to my life, to be forgotten by all except me. Our final goodbyes are said as the casket is lowered gently placing the roses on its oak wood cover, the tears burning as they run down. The final stretch is getting home the arrival was silent as a Christmas night except the adrenaline to wake up and race to the tree wasn't there it was depressing and quite somber. That deep state of shock was everlasting, the world around continued as if it were another day while my life had been placed on pause. Everything had shifted in my world and there are no words to truly explain how it felt. Although the pain was still there the reality had set in that they're gone and there's nothing I can do to change that or bring them back. Living without them in your every day will be tough but you have to stand strong and continue forward. Life is unfair, you can choose to believe and accept it or not and you affect yourself with the choices you make. A loss will always be a great pain but you also have to realize that life will continue with or without you and you can either pick yourself up and push through it or let it consume you until there is nothing left to spare. Nobody can help you this time, this battle that you face within can only be won by you and the support from your family and friends will be always be needed. Yet at the end of the day, only you can make the decision to either defeat this battle or let it tear you apart.

This personal narrative is dedicated to my grandmother Caridard Ramos and an amazing, strong, and wise woman who was always there for you when you needed her. Sadly she passed away back in 2015 January 30th because of breast cancer, but in the span of her life, she taught me so many lessons about life and people and became my friend in a dark time where I was all alone. Losing her was the most heartbreaking and damaging thing that's ever happened at that point I fell into a state of deep depression I thought I lost myself but as life continued on I've realized that everything happens for a reason and even to this day she is always on my mind and in my heart but sometimes holding on does more damage than letting go.