Church Buddies!!!2

Passage 1

'ohhhHH SOMEONE BLACK JUST STOLE MY CAR
HOW MY KIDS GONNA GET TO THE WATERPARK?'

The sweet noise of Rucka Rucka Ali's vocals filled Johnny's car as he loaded up boxes into the trunk. The year was 2012, and Johnny didn't feel a day older than he was as a young, 12 year old boy, attending church with his best friend Joseph. He had a solid plan, but that plan wouldn't be established until later on.

Johnny smiled wide, as if God himself had just extended his hand in friendship towards him. He looked to the sky to see bright beams of light raining down through stormy clouds, signalling the wondrous day that was to come. All he had to do was finish up loading boxes upon boxes of Jesus themed goodies into his car and he was all set.

'IF YOU NEEDED A RIDE, JUST ASK!
NOW IM STUCK AT HOME. GUESS ILL BEAT MY WIFE!'

Johnny shouted Rucka's lyrics at the top of his lungs with what only could be described as a godly note range. Passers by noticed the holy man and took note of his strange vehicle. The car he owned was blue, and had the 'POLO' logo on either side, and atop the hood. On top of the car stood a polo statue, purely white and glistening like a beacon. He was a huge part of the polo business, owning a whole 1% of the company.

'JUST WAIT 'TIL JESUS GETS BACK
HE'LL BE REAL PISSED OFF THAT YOU DID THAT
HE'S GOT SOME CAPS WITH YOUR NAME ON THEM, BITCHASS
KEEP PLAYING GAMES, I'LL PRAY FOR YOU ASSHOLE!'

Johnny eagerly slammed down the trunk of his polo flavoured car and smiled with pure anticipation.

It was time.

With the sound of 'Let's Go Jesus' blaring out of his car windows, he sped off into the sunrise, bright and early to start the day. The rattling and crashing of boxes in the back seat sent Pastor Smith's old Jesus figurines flying onto Johnny's dashboard, where they would stay forever more.

"Joseph is gonna love this! It's been too long since we last went out slapping homosexuals together, or even gluing atheists to a cross and setting them alight! I bet he missed me!" Johnny yelled to himself, narrowly missing a passing child. "Well, speak of the angel.."

The vehicle screamed as it came to a halt. Johnny pulled up to his old school, a building which held fond memories for him. These included other children using his afro as a hiding place during hide and seek matches, or the one time that he was mistaken for a broom by the janitor.

"Here we are!"

"No, Rebecca, no one is gay." Joseph sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose angrily. He was in his classroom - a small, compact space filled with snot-nosed children and no hope.

"But what if Jesus WAS gay! I mean think about it, he spoke to men!" One of his students declared proudly. Joseph stared at her with such disgust that even Satan looked up from Hell, and he was not amused at the girl. "Just imagine it, sir! What if the bible wasn't really talking about hating homosexuals? What if Jesus himself was-"

Joseph picked up the girl's chair and promptly threw her out of the third storey window. Once she was taken care of, he returned to teaching his class.

"Now you see, children, Jesus hated cellphones. Look at this picture." Joseph held up a picture of Jesus nailing a cellphone to a cross. "And now, look at this picture." He then held up a picture of Judas using a cellphone to look on Wikihow at how to be evil.

The classroom went wild. One child even threw his own phone from the window too.

"Hi everybody! Sorry to interrupt here but your teacher is coming with me!" Johnny burst in through the door, hardly able to fit through the miniature door frame. "Is this a school for dwarves or something? I swear these doors never used to be this small!"