poems at 3am

derma

no mom
i cannot
'just stop'

i cannot just stop
picking and peeling
when my skin crawls
like there
is a thousand
spiders tickling their way
onto my scalp and lips
or my
toes and fingertips

i cannot stop the
constant nagging that
my brain has seeped
up like
a dry sponge
and will not forget

i cannot stop the waking
up with bloodied fingertips
and bruised scalp,
or the shallow pits
dug into my lips,
That put on display more pain then
They have ever dared to speak.

i cannot stop
my lingering fingers that
WILL violate my skin
even when i am
not awake.

I cannot stop this addiction
or compulsion
or whatever you
want to call it

i've
told so many people
over the years
trying to reach out
trying to
get help and let go
of the falling skin flakes
that my hands
are always snatching
at with grabby hands

but no one seems to care.
they only care if i
call it the right thing
because it is “not and addiction, it's a compulsion!!!”
And of course, it only matters that
They're correct,
Not that i'm hurting

and i am quite aware
because i have known this compulsion
longer then i have known
anything else, or
Any of the people who speak
Of it with an ignorant laced tongue.
Unlike them, she has always
been there for me,
and still is;

lingering, even after
we fight and
i do not
want to see her anymore

always touching me
and leaving behind
Painful kisses, disguised as
open sores and bruises,
That i don't want but can't say no too,
before leaving and
going on her merry way

but i know she will be back
because she is always
back.

she is my oldest friend,
oldest enemy,
oldest comfort.

and
i hate to admit it
but i cannot live without
those wandering fingers
upon my skin
plucking and peeling
all my insecurities
away

and i will
keep on trying
to stop,
to escape,
and leave her
once and for all

but over the years i
have learned
that you cannot stop
you cannot escape
once you have felt
the touch of her
blood thirsty and
greedy fingers
crawling up
your skin

I pray to god, he will
put a cease to her wrath;
This angel,
that dares to sin.