The hole in my heart was because of guilt. It wasn't the regular "I'm sorry I did that" guilt. It really was a "I've screwed up and the devils coming I get me" guilt. If you've ever felt like the devils coming to get you, you might also feel the hole in your heart. The hole represents emptiness. You feel empty and hollow after doing something you regret. And that's how I feel now. As if the life has been sucked straight from you soul. Or the air from your lungs is slowly leaking out. Like a balloon that's been popped.
And then you just want to be alone. Be alone so you can feel bad. Be alone so no one will see you cry. Be alone so no one will know that it might not be a big deal to them, but it is to you. And when your alone you might read, or listen to music, or draw, or write. Do anything but just sit there so the guilty feeling won't come back. Like the tide, it will come at you and make you squeal and jump away from the cold water. It recedes to it's original spot where you forget about it and enjoy the small time of peace. It will get you sometime, but for now you continue to run, and run.
But you can't run forever.
So right now, as I rest here, alone, I run. I run from the never ending chase of guilt. Running might make it worse, but for now I am at peace. Basking in the sunlight of freedom. Freedom of regret. Freedom of the chase.
So guilt is the enemy, but it makes you stronger? It makes you realize what you shouldn't do next time? Well great. I know what not to do next time but life just let's me drown in the hole in my heart that continues to grow. It freezes my insides. And I am cold. Very, very cold.
I cannot run forever.
Cold. Very cold. Save me from the cold. The chase. Run. Hole in my heart grows bigger. Regret.
Guilt.
I cannot run forever.
But I am running.
I'm growing tired. I cannot run forever. It will catch me. Tears streak the dirt that covers me. The never ending run seems to be ending. But it's not supposed to. I can run forever. I just need to stay awake. Stay awake. Awake. Stay. Awake.
I find a place. I settle there and with a stone scrape words on to the floor beneath me. Words that will distract me. Words distract. Words. Write the words. Words. They might mean something later, but now they calm me and let me rest while staying awake. I read over the words. Reading will distract me. Reading distracts. Reading. Read the words. Read.
I run I run and will never stop.
The running helps the pain stop.
Pain helps me grow stronger.
But I am not strong.
I can only run the endless run.
But the endless run seems to be ending.
Ending
Ending
Ending
Calm. These words calm me. I stop resting and get up. I must continue to run. Run because I don't want it to catch me. It started as false guilt. Guilt that was only in my mind. But it became real. And they made me run. They created The Guilt so they could make me run. Because they just wanted me to be happy. Am I happy! Am I free from The Guilt! Yes!
Unless I stop running.
The Guilt is coming. I am tiring. I am not free. Free from The Guilt. They created The Guilt to watch me run. Run until I couldn't. The run is endless. But I am tired. And the run is ending. Because I am.
I am ending
