"I can't do this anymore."
bnha, bakudeku
cw there's a Lot of cursing
~1090 words
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While Katsuki was many things - loud, obnoxious, mean, arrogant - an idiot was not one of them. He's noticed the way his boyfriend's been distant lately. The way Deku's ignored some things Katsuki's said in favor of speaking himself, the way he's left a bigger gap between them when they stood next to each other. The way he's opting to spend less time with him after school, and more time with that stupid Icyhot. But at the end of the day he'd always give Katsuki a kiss goodnight, and they'd be okay again. Still, it pissed him off and, if he was being honest with himself which he most definitely wasn't, scared him.
He confronted Deku about it once when they were laying in bed. Neither of them had been able to sleep, but with how awkward things between them had been, they were just laying there on their backs, staring at the ceiling in silence.
"Deku." Katsuki says. Deku doesn't respond, even though Katsuki knew he was awake, and the blond turns over to his side to face him, repressing the anger that arose in his gut. Deku's gaze shifts towards him for a moment but he didn't turn to him, didn't even acknowledge that he was looking at him.
"What the fuck's your problem lately?" Katsuki asks. Deku stiffens just enough that Katsuki notices.
"I don't-What are you talking about?" Deku replies.
"You've been all fuckin'... distant lately."
"What makes you say that, Kacchan?" Deku asks, and finally turns around to face Katsuki. He hates how the action makes his heart beat faster.
He grinds his teeth together and shakes his head.
"Fucking- nothing, never mind." He turns around, his back facing Deku, "Goodnight."
Deku doesn't say it back.
-
It's one particular day when Katsuki's been having a shitty week and with shitty Deku being his usual shitty self and ignoring him he genuinely feels like he's losing his fucking mind. He's scared to try and bring it up again because what if stupid Deku just makes him out to be the idiot again or what if he accidentally makes Deku cry or some shit and he really hates how much he's been overthinking. This is the shit Deku does, not him damnit.
He grabs Deku's wrist while he's in the middle of talking to fucking Icyhot no less and drags him into the hallway, ignoring his protests along the way. The angry part of his mind wants him to slam Deku against the fucking wall, wants to hurt Deku as much as he's been hurting him just so he can see. The rational part of his brain, however, knows that's not fucking right and he doesn't want to hurt the nerd anymore than he already has in the past. He opts for letting go of him and angrily clenching his fists, glaring into his wide, green eyes.
"Wh-What the hell, Kacchan?!" Deku sputters, rubbing the wrist Katsuki had in his hand all but a minute ago. "What's your problem?"
"No, no don't give me that bullshit, Deku, what the fuck's YOUR problem?!" Katsuki hisses, resisting the urge to shove Deku against the wall.
"What are you talking about?!"
"You know damn well what the fuck I'm talking about!"
"I-"
"What the fuck did I do now, huh?! How'd I fuck up this time?"
"Kacchan, I don't-"
"Yes you fucking DO!" Katsuki yells, and he can feel himself losing control of his emotions, "Why the fuck have you basically been fucking avoiding me, huh?! You think I didn't fucking notice? And how you're all over fucking Icyhot, you think I didn't notice that either?!"
He can see Deku swallow and it only makes him angrier. He has to turn away from him, his hand grabbing at fistfuls of his own hair as he tries to calm himself down.
"This is why, Kacchan," Deku says, and Katsuki whips around. He doesn't miss the way Deku flinches and looks away and that action alone feels like a punch to his gut.
"What?"
"This," Deku repeats, waving his hand around at Katsuki, "This is why I've been avoiding you. I love you, Kacchan, I do, but you're always so... angry. I was hoping maybe somehow you being in a relationship would somehow calm you down but..."
He trails off, and Katsuki's too stunned to say anything, his arms falling to his sides.
Deku sighs. "It's just... I know it's just who you are but you're always so angry all the time and it's really exhausting, Kacchan. I can't be around someone who's so negative 24/7." He waves his hand around again, pointing towards the both of them this time, "I can't do this anymore, Kacchan. It's exhausting. You're exhausting."
Katsuki swallows thickly around the lump forming in his throat.
"Y-You said you loved me." Katsuki says, and he hates the way his voice cracks, hates how vulnerable he sounds, hates the way the nerd can get him to feel so many fucking emotions.
"I do, Kacchan, but I just... I think we need a break."
Deku finally looks up and the shock on his face is evident. He reaches his hand forward for a moment but then hesitates and lowers his hand. Katsuki reaches up to his own face to angrily wipe away the tears he didn't even realize were there, his eyebrows furrowing. He hates the look of pity the nerd gives him.
"Don't give me your half-assed breakup, Deku." Katsuki croaks, "We're either fucking dating or not, not this shitty in between."
Deku bites his lip and he looks away again. "Fine."
"Fine." Katsuki repeats.
They stand there awkwardly for what feels like for-fucking-ever before Deku says, "I'm gonna go back, okay? See you later, Kacchan."
Katsuki doesn't reply, watching as Deku walks away. He heads to his dorm room in a half-assed sprint, quietly hoping that later Deku will come in and apologize and say he was wrong.
He slams the door behind him shut and flings himself onto his bed, curling up into a ball as he holds back these stupid ass tears that just keep coming.
It's only when morning comes and he wakes up, not even aware that he has fallen asleep, to an empty bed that he realizes that all that shit that just happened wasn't some shitty dream or his mind going into overthinking overdrive. Deku really broke up with him yesterday.
He drags himself out of bed, staring at his hand with unfocused eyes.
God dammit.
// unedited
