Toxic Love

    I believe that some things aren't meant to last, that some relationships run deeper than the surface, in ways that we sometimes can't understand. I believe that some relationships, no matter how hard you try, cannot be mended. This belief started with the onset of my parents deteriorating marriage.

      I was fifteen years old and fed up with my parent's marriage. I would not even consider it a marriage, it was a toxic relationship that they were both holding onto hopelessly. My sister, who is two and a half years younger than me, was hiding under a blanket crying while my parents fought. I was sitting there painting my toenails while my mother threw dishes around. I thought if they were going to be like that forever, I might as well get used to it.

     A glass shattered as my mother yelled at my father. There was another woman involved again, and he apologized for it like that was enough. He was playing the bigger man again, taking the blame. The next week he made it up to her and she fell for him all over again. That's what happened every few months for ever since I could remember.

     We kept going around in this vicious circle. The one thing I didn't understand was why he stayed in a relationship he didn't want to be in. It was obvious he wasn't crazy in love with my mother like she was with him. He did whatever he wanted knowing it hurts her, and when my mother filed for divorce, he took two years to sign it.

     It was when I heard the longing in my fathers' voice when he asked about my mother after the divorce. The way he got frustrated with his new wife when she couldn't remember how he preferred certain things. How he remembered that she'd always make him sweet tea after a long day at work that sealed my belief. He never wanted to let her go, but he didn't need her the way she needed him. I know he had a deeper attachment with her than he showed, because every time he messed up she was always there to support him. He was never the type to express his negative feelings, but my mother knew him like the back of her hand. In a weird, twisted way they connected on a level that neither of them could recognize, and that's what ended their marriage. My father needed her to make him feel better about himself, and she needed his love.

     My mother is still on anti-depressants. She wouldn't leave the bed before, and her days went by in an endless haze of trying to forget. But that's what happens after sixteen years of a one-sided relationship that you sold your soul to save.

      Some relationships break so bad they can't be mended. Some people need each other in ways they don't even know about. My parents had been trying to save something that never existed, and it was impossible to bring the love back from their teenage years. Its taught me that I cant live my life thinking my mistakes are inevitable, because at the end of the day, you'll be bound to them and die with a coffin full of regrets.