i'm usually not really expressing my deeper feelings. i'll just type out my raw feelings. how i feel right in that captured moment. i think i'll try to express myself now.
i spent this day outside with emson, my classmate from my old school, and i had fun. i didn't feel like shit nor was it awkward. it was a comforting change, yeah. i have such big plans for the future and i think i'll write them down in the next chapter so i can look into them all the time.
my thoughts are running wild lately. my mind feels so corrupted as if i pulled every lever and hoped something would happen.
i don't feel empty. like... i just feel bad. as if anything i do hurts someone. i'll use the example i've been using a lot lately: life and my goals are a marathon. everyone i know is running in front of me but still miles away. no matter how fast i run, i'll never catch up and every time i try to sprint, someone of the crowd disappears. it makes me think that it's my fault that this happened. because i tried to catch up. but i am not supposed to catch up. i'm ought to stay in the back, in the background, on the ground, alone.
but i know i could catch up. i need to grow and get the control over my shit.
yeah. i gotta be in charge of my own life.
peace.
