Dear self

Dear self, it has been a minute sense the last time I sat down and came to the terms that I'm not ok. That I'm struggling with life and struggling is okay. It is perfectly fine but the question is, how will you get out of it? The elephant in the room is that fact that I live with bipolar depression. Its not that I'm depressed all the time, almost the exact opposite. Let me put It this way, in your mind everyone has a wheel. The wheel has different colors with red, blue and yellow. People think that depression is when your wheel is always on blue, which is not the case. Most peoples wheels will change the color they are on depending on what is going on around the person. My wheel isn't like that, to put it short my wheel is broken. It shifts and moves when ever it pleases and I have no control over it. I could be in the best mood and having a great day too, feeling so alone I wish I could just stop breathing. Its hard to live like this but I don't really have a choice. I either deal with the way my head works or become the thing I have feared the most. A suicide victim. It is funny in a way. I act extravagant and extra to make me feel like I have some sort of importance. I hate feeling ignored which is the reason I talk so much when I get to know people. I become afraid that I'm just another thing to be tossed into the trash when you are done using it. I have always been afraid of being alone. I feel lonely all the time, even if I have friends around. The wheel in my head turns and makes me believe that none of my friends actually care about me, that they pity me. They pity the fact that I am a broken person, so they take me in. Not all of my friends are like that, but it feels that way sometimes. It feels as if I drop to many of my problems and people. I fear that the more that I vent to them they move farther away. I blame myself for this and I always will.